Chapter 21: Bleeding Hearts (Part II)

Zun’s lips gave a smirk. “Surprising how I don’t have any of your guards crawling up my ass right now.”

“I told them I didn’t want them around. Or else we won’t get the chance to talk.”

Zun remained silent, letting his eyes take her in. All of her. Trailing from her swept up hair, to her slender neck, down to the black long-flowing gown that hid the woman he once knew so well. It had been too long since he’d last seen her. Too long since he’d been this close to her. She was still wearing her favourite perfume. The scent threatening to muddle his senses. He had breathed that in countless times before… He took a step forward.

“This has to stop, Zun,” Yuan’s firm voice came, remaining unaffected as his gaze roamed all over her. “You have to stop.”

He regarded her for a moment. “It can stop. If you come back to me.”

“You know that will never happen.”

The tightening in his throat became more unbearable. He gave a laugh. “Well, then, there’s nothing to talk about really.”

“Zun, I know you. You don’t want this. You don’t want to hurt any of us-“

She gave an involuntary yelp when Zun had suddenly grabbed her and pushed her hard against the wall. He had his hands tight around her wrist, locking her arms at her sides. His hips trapping her. She looked up at him, not showing fear or nervousness as he gazed down. Catching a glimpse of the rage behind his eyes. What have they done to him?

“You don’t know me. Not anymore. And I have you two to thank for that.”

“Zun… please… We never meant for any of it to happen. You have to find it in your heart to-“

“To what? Forgive you?” He gave a mirthless laugh. Echoing the hopelessness and helplessness he tries to hide. His face inched closer to hers. “You can never know what I’m going through. So don’t you ever try to say those words so lightly.”

Yuan breathed in deeply, closing her eyes at the hurt she saw in him. If only there was a way… She opened her eyes again and found Zun gazing at her intensely, a sort of hunger and longing mixed together. She could fight him off. She had it in her. But the guilt tearing at her heart was stopping her.

“But there is a way… to ease some of the pain. At least for now…,” his low voice, turning husky as his eyes go to her lips. He started to lean down.

“No.”

Zun paused, his eyes snapping to hers. Her chin marking her defiance.

He ignored the pounding in his ears as she watched the woman he loves deeply, saving herself for another man. She was going to fight tooth and nail. He knows it.

“Why are you being a stranger? It’s not like we haven’t done this before…” He brushed his lips lightly against her ear.

“Let me go.” Her voice snapped. He was going too far. “I am your brother’s wife, Zun.”

Zun’s jaw clenched and his hold on her wrists tightened some more.

“Well then, Da Sao,” he said sarcastically.” You can treat this as just something on the side then. Like always.”

Yuan’s eyes flashed with hurt like she’d been slapped. “You know it was never like that! I tried, Zun! I really tried to love you!”

“You didn’t try hard enough then!” Zun suddenly yelled, losing his composure for once, revealing how deep his wounds really are. Yuan looked at him. Both almost in tears. Zun let her go as if burned and stepped back, instantly regretting the sudden outburst. He can’t look this pathetic again. He can’t… But he couldn’t help it as she was standing right there once more…

“I found you first…,” he choked out a bit. “I was the one who found you first… I saved you…”

The tears collected in Yuan’s eyes. “But he’s the one I love. He has always been the one…”

“I don’t want to hear it!”

“You have to! You have to understa-“

Zun pushed her against the wall once more. His fingers cupping her chin roughly. Yuan tried to push him off but he was too strong. His lips were about to come crashing down when breaking glasses from behind could be heard and in an instant Mao was in front of him pushing and slapping him away.

He backed off and faced the two women glaring at him. Mao was trying to block her jie from the madman. Yuan in turn didn’t want Mao between them. She can’t be involved in this. Zun can’t turn his attention onto her.

“Stay out of this if you know what’s good for you,” Zun spat out.

“I’m not afraid of you, you son of a bitch,” she glowered. She’s never really met him before today but she seriously thinks her ge should really beat the hell out of him. She couldn’t believe someone like him would be connected to her ge and jie.

“Cute…,” Zun gave a mock smile. “She’s really cute. Let’s see how far that tough talk’s going to take you.”

“She’s not part of this, Zun.” Yuan gave her warning. “They’re not part of this.”

“Oh, they have been the moment I knew how important they are to you. I’m just bidding my time.” He gave Mao a little wink.

“Takeshi will not allow it.”

“We’ll see about that.” Zun’s eyes grew dark. “I can hurt you. I can hurt them.”

“Zun, don’t you-“

“I will hurt you,” Zun cut her off, not wanting to hear any crap from her again. “I will…”

Mao tried to hide her shock at the man in front of her. At the man twisted up in pain and rage it was almost difficult to look at him. She can’t say she doesn’t know what he was going through. Because a betrayal can indeed change things. Change a person. And she’s experiencing almost the same thing… But choosing to hurt the people you loved like this…? She can’t do that… No matter what happens… No matter how hurt she is… She just can’t destroy others like that along with herself…

“She really is cute.” Zun then reached out to put Mao’s chin up when she slapped it away. He then felt a hand on his shoulder from behind. He turned around and felt the pain as a fist connected with his jaw.

“Go.”

Zun felt his jaw and saw the two women head for the doors as Matsumoto looked at him darkly. He straightened up and shook his head, trying to contain his amusement.

“What the hell are you smirking about?”

“You know what? I’ve really had enough for tonight. Sorry to cut our first real meeting short. But we’ll see each other again soon. I’m sure of it.” He stalked off without another word.

“Why don’t you let it go?” Jun then called to him, stopping him in his tracks. “Just let her go.”

“What the hell are you holding on for? You’re only hurting her. Things are never going to change. Accept that.” He didn’t want to see Takeshi and Yuan go through life with this hanging over them. “Stop being an asshole and do the right thing. If you really love her.”

Zun frowned. “That’s awfully self-serving of you, don’t you think?”

“Don’t give me that look,” Zun continued. “Why don’t you take your own advice, huh? Then get back to me when you’re able to do it.”

“You’re not making any sense.” But the tightness in his jaw said it all. He knew just what Wu Zun was saying. And it gripped his heart.

“One look at you two and the rumours made every bit of sense to me,” Zun gave a shake of his head. “The way she looks at you or doesn’t look at you… I would know that look anywhere.”

It was the same one he gets from Yuan. The same look she gave him just now as well. She herself might have no idea about it. But it was the look of someone wanting to just be away from you… Of just wanting to be done with it all… Of wishing she never has to look at you again… Because of all the hurt…

“You can’t fool everyone,” Zun went on. Jun remained silent, trying to stay calm. “And it’s gotten me really curious what you could have done to her…”

“You’re way in over your head. Just fuck off.”

“I’ve hit a nerve,” Zun gave a satisfied smile. “We’re more alike than you would like to think.”

“Bullshit.”

“The stronger you deny it, the clearer it is.” Zun was enjoying this. “Just take a good long look at what you are doing to her. It’s obvious she doesn’t want to be here. She doesn’t want to be with you.”

“We share the same kind of misery,” Zun finished, observing Jun’s look.

“She loves me. You don’t have that. You never did.”

Zun remained expressionless at that. “At least I have the guts to admit what I’m really doing to her. At least I have admitted to myself that I can never have her love. Get off your high horse and drop the condescending attitude. You yourself have nothing.”

He gave him one last look and walked off, leaving Jun deep in the damage his words had caused.

**

Jun stepped out of the room. His whole being feeling so heavy. His surroundings suddenly becoming suffocating. He moved towards the ballroom once more, but he wasn’t really seeing anything. He passed by several groups of people trying to get his attention. Offering brandy; No one gets home not drunk tonight. Some asking him to stay and chat a while. But he heard none of that. All that resounded in his head were Wu Zun’s words.

“We’re more alike than you would like to think.”

His eyes fell on the two familiar figures by the doors. The two women’s fingers slid off each others while Yuan gave Mao a gentle smile. She then turned inside, intending to find her husband no doubt. Mao, with worried eyes, watched her back for a while. She gave a sigh and then turned to go somewhere, facing the direction he stood. She looked slightly startled seeing him there. Was she perhaps worried he was still having trouble with Wu Zun and was intending to go back and see? See if he was okay…?

It was moments like this… The split second look in her eyes. The reasons he could never let go…

The closed expression then surfaced. She broke off her gaze form his and quickly stepped into the ballroom. As if she wanted to put as much distance between them as possible. His body gave a small involuntary jerk. Like a knife had been stabbed through and through his heart. A slight panic had welled up in his chest. His feet then took him to her.

She hadn’t gone far; weaving through the crowd. He followed her; his eyes never leaving her. He just wanted her to stay… Just stay… To not run away anymore… to not push him away… to not look at him like he isn’t there… The overwhelming thoughts caught at his throat. He reached out, grabbed her hand and gently whirled her around.

Mao made herself look at him. She knew she could just pull away from his grasp and just leave, feeling like she’s had about enough for the night. But she stopped herself; they were surrounded by people and moreover, the look in his eyes… He looked shaken up. His eyes robbed of the usual gentle hope that makes her heart ache each time he looks at her… Instead it had been replaced by that of a lost look mixed with a glimmer of fear… And somehow he wanted to seek comfort in her… She felt his hold tighten around her wrist. As if asking her to let him in… Asking her to make everything alright… And she couldn’t tear her gaze away no matter how hard she tried…

The cheers suddenly erupting from the other side of the room broke the tension. Mao’s eyes went to the newlyweds getting ready to cut the cake. The glowing radiance of the two reflected the sheer bliss they were feeling right now. It was infectious; the people around them toasting to their new life together.

This wasn’t the first wedding they’ve attended. But nevertheless, the pain never lessens. Becoming increasingly unbearable each time. Because they once had gotten so close to stepping down the same road… Mao’s lips gave a small quiver as the bride fed her groom a mouthful of cake.

But it was never meant to be for them…

Why couldn’t everything just- She stopped her thoughts and looked at Jun’s hand around her wrist. She then looked up at him; his clouded eyes revealing he was going through the same thing she was…

People were now cheering for the couple to kiss, which the groom happily obliged as the music struck up for their first dance.

Mao couldn’t take it any longer and tried pulling her arm subtly. Jun’s fingers clamped even tighter. Her eyes snapped to his. And the next instant, he was leading her outside. She didn’t struggle as they went past other guests. Some noticed them while others were too busy celebrating. Jun pushed the doors open, leaving it slightly ajar behind them and stopped near the steps.

The soft music drifted outside to them. Jun was staring straight ahead, his chest rising and falling. Mao’s eyes were fixed on his fingers around her wrist. The soft tune continued to surround them.

“What do you want?” she asked in a tone suggesting she’d prefer to be elsewhere other than with him. The energy seemed to be draining away from her. Something that happens whenever she was with him now. She just wanted the night to end…

His eyes slowly went to her. What does he want? He wanted her… He just wanted her… He looked down at their hands. He gently released his hold on her wrist; shifting his hand, clasping her hand instead. Their fingers intertwined.

“A dance, maybe?” He worked his throat, hoping his voice was steady; a small smile was on his lips. Mao’s eyes snapped to his, looking very unsure.

Her hand in his. The setting. The dim lights. All those did nothing to quell the momentary fear she felt of giving in to his invitation. Being close to him… It is not something she wants to handle… She can’t handle…

She made to go. “I don’t think that-“

She landed into him. His left arm circling her waist, pulling her closer to his frame. She struggled a bit, but kept in mind people might see them. He had her hand placed against his chest. She stopped, knowing it was pointless. But the warmth of him… It was taking her in all over again… And to her horror, she was unable to stop herself from giving a little nuzzle against his chest. The way it came out so naturally… she was unable to stop it. She felt him stiffen a bit at the action, no matter how small it was. She closed her eyes.

“Jun,” was all she said. But he knew she wanted him to let go. It was all she ever asked him ever since…

“Mao… I just…,” He didn’t finish. He couldn’t.

Mao inhaled sharply, her eyes opening. The pain flowing from him she sensed as he pulled her tighter. Holding his body so rigidly, as if stopping himself from shaking. His heart pounded hard against his chest. Mao bit her lip. Something was different this time. She bit her lip once more.

“What happened?” she asked softly.

A broken smile fluttered across Jun’s lips. He leaned his cheek against her hair and breathed her in. He was torn between smiling and crying… Just these emotions pulling at him… And the words Wu Zun left for him…

Because they rang true…

He closed his eyes trying to drown himself in her… It was the only way he can get a hold of himself…

Wu Zun was right. He is hurting her more than anyone ever could. He didn’t know if he can ever forgive himself. But he knew if he let her go… there was no way that will happen… He wanted to stop too… But he just can’t lose her…

Though it sickens him that he does have an idea what Wu Zun is going through… Of not being able to let go… Of wanting the one who belonged to him back once more…

But he will never become what he is. Never. He won’t ever cause that kind of pain to her. If that day were to come, then he knows he doesn’t deserve her anymore… So he won’t allow it…

He’s just holding on… Waiting…

Waiting for her smiles…

“Mao…” His voice rough with emotions.

Mao kept her eyes on his chest. Trying her hardest not to lose herself. She didn’t answer but he knew she was listening.

“Please don’t hate me,” he whispered into her ear achingly. “Don’t hate me…”

Her heart gave a squeeze as her chin quivered. She blinked rapidly, drawing a shaky breath. She looked up, holding in her emotions. The effort leaving her exhausted.

The music had now stopped. And so should this…

“I think we should-“ she started shakily, attempting to pull away.

Jun let go of her hand and wrapped his arms around her, holding her in place. Her arms fell to her side, his lips brushing her shoulder.

“Just for a while longer… Just for a while more…” The urgent plea was in his voice. He closed his eyes. What will her answer be?

Mao stood there. Not wanting to feel anything. Not wanting to be drawn in by his request. But… She slowly closed her eyes, her face pressed against his chest. He automatically wrapped her closer when he had her answer.

He welcomed the tiniest bit of joy that seeped through him.

Mao shut her eyes tighter.

It’s just for a little while…

Just for a while…

**

Pi’s eyes scanned the room. She was nowhere to be found. He weaved through the crowd, adjusting his ear piece. Everything seemed okay though. The only thing he hears from it are the occasional small talks. His eyes swept the room again and he suddenly stopped himself.

What the hell is he doing?

Just because Ohno assigned him the task of keeping an eye on her doesn’t mean he’s got to do it seriously. His jaw tightened uncomfortably. There are other important things at hand. Sho will never forgive him if he lets a chance like tonight slip. He’s got to focus. Though he thought he’d have something on Akanishi at least. But following them proved fruitless. No matter how hard he tried to catch the words they exchanged, everyone around helped in making sure that was impossible. And as soon as they reached the front entrance, the number of guards around them had forced him to back down.

So much for that.

But there’s a roomful of other angles here.

He stopped by the glass doors leading outside. Then gave the room one last sweep and decided to look for just those angles. His feet moved when something caught his eyes.

His brow furrowed just by a bit.

He would never believe it if he wasn’t staring straight at them. Both looked like they didn’t want to part. He would have expected it from his side. But her…

Anyone looking at her right now will probably be moved as she had her eyes closed tight, pressed against him. Her expression one of just wanting to find a place she can rest… Even if it was temporary… Sometimes it’s all someone asks for… And even one with the coldest of hearts finds himself taking to her… Though just slightly… Because he refuses to see what is really in him as well…

He watched as she lifted her left arm quite tentatively. Did she want to hold onto him just like he was to her? Her hand balled into a small fist and she put her arm down… She still couldn’t do it… She was still fighting it…

If memory served him right, she wants nothing to do with him. He’s made her life miserable and all she wants is out. But now… her actions aren’t really matching up to what he’s learned. What is it? She’s probably the only one who knows the depth of the wounds he’d caused her… but still, she allows herself to be held by him like this… even unable to stop her true feelings from flowing right out…

This was truly how the world works, huh? People let themselves be blinded by these- these emotions…. Just allowing the deep hurt to be forgotten? Allowing the source of that pain in again…

After everything…

He watched as Matsumoto slowly pulled away. She didn’t look up; couldn’t. Maybe afraid to be pulled further in. He slowly leaned in, his lips brushing her temple lightly. She closed her eyes, her face showing a hint of bittersweetness. Matsumoto had pulled her to him again. And he pulled his gaze away. He loosened his tie a bit.

Things shouldn’t be that simple. That easy for whomever that’s destroyed what was once whole…

Seems like they both needed to be reminded of that…

His eyes strayed to her again.

He’s got his work cut out for him.

He gave one last look and turned to go.