Mao slowly opened her eyes. They closed again as she fought the grogginess. She swallowed; her throat feeling dry. She tilted her head down, opened her eyes and looked at the man she’s had semi-cradled to her.He too was lying on his side; his face close to her chest, feeling his even breathing. An arm still over her waist. Her legs pressed against his thighs.
Why any of this felt natural…
She carefully lifted the hand she had on his arm, not wanting to wake him up. Her hand stilled, a little unsure. And then she lowered it down and gently brushed away his hair.
He didn’t move, still in his deep slumber.
She pulled her hand back and let her gaze take him in. Gone was the broken man he had been last night. No trace of the pain that had twisted his face; that had reduced him to tears… Shaken his reality… He looked peaceful… Content… As if all the pain, all the torture had been taken out…
Some of it maybe…
He had found his voice again through the tears. His words had rushed out as she listened. Holding on to every word. It was as if he’d been waiting to tell someone… To let it all out so he’d be rid of the memories… He didn’t have to do it if he wasn’t ready… But he wanted her to know…
How after his parents had died in a gas explosion that he’d ended up in an orphanage…
Their orphanage…
She’s heard stories… Knew things weren’t the same before… But she didn’t know to what extent… What every kid had really gone through… She held him tighter, as if she wanted to hug the ten year old kid in him for everything he’s endured… But she knew the worst part was yet to come…
A fresh onslaught of tears. She couldn’t stop herself from sobbing as he told her about the things he’s suffered at the hands of a brutal man… They were both shaking as they tried hard to control their emotions… He wanted to burrow himself deeper into her… Hearing himself relay every of those harrowing memories… It made them even more real… Threatening to push him over the edge…
She had clung to him, rocking him. She couldn’t work her throat anymore. She closed her eyes and leaned into him. His body gave a tremble; feeling the exhaustion… Both feeling their strength slipping away… They had collapsed onto the bed but were unwilling to pull away…
They couldn’t… Needing each other so… Finding that small glimpse of comfort as their bodies intertwined…
Both fighting to heal the darkness away…
She moved the lock of hair that had fallen over his eye. She wondered if this was the first time he’d ever been able to sleep like this… And not wake up in the middle of the night trapped in his nightmares… The way he faced his past… She believed it made things a little bit easier for him…
Maybe he won’t have this distorted view of himself anymore…
He can’t bring himself down like that… No… How can he think any less of himself when he’s able to walk out still standing… Broken perhaps… Jaded… Had let himself go in some ways… But his strength to not let it completely destroy himself…
Not everyone can do that…
He was still holding on to something human in him… That hope… That tiny hope… She’d seen it last night… No matter how much he tried to bury it… Her gaze grew tender.
Her tears last night… She had cried for the unfairness of the world. Stomping out his innocence like that… Tearing it out of him… Her heart wrenched, but seeing his boyish face… Void of the harshness that has haunted him… Noticing a softness she hadn’t seen…
She reached for him again. Her fingers hovering over his cheek. They brushed lightly.
Maybe he can have some of the things he’s lost back…
Her hand cupped his jaw. Her thumb caressing his skin softly. He then started to stir. She pulled back once again. He opened his eyes, squinting. Blinked for a while and then looked up at her. She raised herself up on an elbow. Their gazes locked. Her lips lifted into a small smile in greeting. He tried to work his into one but the sight of her beside him still served as a slight shock to him. He noticed his arm around her waist and slowly pulled it back.
They eased themselves up at the same time. She leaned against the headboard, drawing her knees to her; her eyes still on him. He had his back to her, clearly a little embarrassed; having bared his soul to her last night… Something he really doesn’t do…
They sat there quietly for a while more. He must have passed his embarrassment to her. She gave a smile to herself at the way they were right now. Her eyes were still on him when he turned around and met her gaze.
“Thank you…” His voice hoarse from last night.
But he wasn’t the only one who felt some sort of comfort last night… She was crying for him she knows that… At the same time though, in some small way, the tears were for her as well… For the lost of her dad… For the lost of everything she once knew… By her own doing or not… She was crying for them… The fact that she can’t take anything back…
They’ve both been holding on to a hurting past…
Both have lost things… Things dear to them… They’ve somehow let the other see that there can still be something better for them… Their tears melting away whatever was holding them back… She’s seen his strength… He still managed to go on after what he’s been through… Seen his weakness… That was slowly crippling him just like her own weaknesses were… It made her want to change things. For the both of them…? He’d given her just as much…
He looked at her softened gaze; at the way she shook her head. As if telling him she wasn’t the only one who needed to be thankful. Something tugged at him. Her eyes had stilled on the bedside table.
The time.
It was already almost nine in the morning.
His eyes went back to her. She didn’t seem affected at all, turning steady eyes to him.
“We should be getting back…”
**
“I’ll just tell them I’ve spent the night at Hye’s.”
He glanced back to her. The light had turned green. He stepped on the gas.
That was her excuse once they get home. She’d found out her phone had shut off again; the battery still a problem. He had left his in the car and had found more than twenty missed calls. They had looked at each other then and it was the first thing that came to her mind.
Mao was staring out the window. Her nerves were starting to act up. She had been unusually calm till they got to the car and saw the missed calls. It didn’t occur to her that they had a problem … She still had to go back… Even after everything that’s happened in that hotel room, she still needed to… It was as if she’s forgotten all about it… About her reality…
Her eyes slid to his profile. If they found out the truth- She didn’t dare think about what they would do… She couldn’t let anyone find out. No one will find out. She then bit her lip, the guilt suddenly attacking her. Jun… Ohno… She’d been out of reach most of the night… They probably thought the worst…
They were silent the whole ride. The gravity of the situation left no chance for thinking about other things in the meantime. But she knows she has to do everything to convince them… Her eyes went to him again. Not wanting to see anything happen to him.
But their apprehensions were suddenly forgotten as soon as they entered the gate. Everyone around them had become frantic. Some had whipped their phones out to give information about their arrival no doubt. But what alarmed her were the somber expressions on their faces… Where had she seen them before? When…?
He had glanced back to her again. He too had sensed something was wrong.
The sudden desire to see Jun and Ohno come out through the front door then hit her. She wants to see them walk over to their car as it drives up. Not really caring what reaction they would be having. She just needs to see them.
But their car was slowly rolling to a stop.
And there was still no sign of them.
Sending a chill right through her.
**
She pushed the doors open as the trail of guards tried to keep up with her. One of them was hurriedly relaying to her the details of Jun and Ohno’s condition.
Jun was already out of danger but hasn’t woken up yet. Ohno, however, was placed in the ICU still in a coma. The loss of blood from a punctured lung had caused lack of oxygen to his brain. A tricky but successful surgery was performed for the bullet lodged an inch from his heart. Fortunately the rest of the bullets had missed any other major organs. Whether he could wake up from his coma was still undetermined though.
Pi observed her back as his feet moved. She tried to appear calm but knew the emotions raging inside her were threatening to spill.
Coming home to this after what happened last night… He couldn’t blame her... He’d have thought he’d be more concerned with news that Matsumoto is lying in the hospital right now… Suffering… Something he had always wanted to see… But all he could really think about was her… All he could really focus on was her…
He doesn’t want to see her like this… This agitated… This heartbroken… He understood perfectly even if she doesn’t want to show it… Wishing to inflict agonizing pain on Matsumoto means she’d feel it too… He doesn’t think he’d ever want to do that again…
Her head snapped back for a second when Aiba was mentioned. They arrived at the wing where Matsumoto’s room was located. Someone was coming out of his room. Mao immediately went to him. Aiba held his hands up as she stopped in front of him, gesturing for her to be calm. He signaled for the men to leave them.
“He’s okay. He’s slipping in and out of consciousness but he’ll be alright soon…,” he turned to her.
She bit her lip to stop them from trembling. Something was mixing in with the wave of relief that washed through her. She felt a slight frustration kicking in. Her whole body felt drained, feeling like it was going to give in anytime soon. She tried to distract herself from all these emotions coming at her from every direction.
“What are you doing here?” She asked. It wasn’t an accusation but it seemed to have come out like that. He was supposed to be in rehab. He can’t just come out without finishing his program.
“I think this is more important than some rehab, Mao,” Aiba frowned down at her.
The last they’d seen of each other was the night of his outburst … They never had the chance to deal with that as Jun had checked him in to a rehab center. He knew she’s visited though on more than one occasion. The little gifts were always handed to him. Just that she never asked to see him. Maybe his words still hurt… But knowing Mao, he knew it was probably her resolve not to see him… He needed to get clean first. That was her way of showing support… Of telling him to work on it fast…
“It’s not just ‘some’ rehab, Aiba. It concerns your life.” She didn’t know why she was pushing it but Aiba had to take care of himself. He seemed to always forget that. He can’t be asked to just throw down his life everytime something happens… “You can go back now. Everything’s seemed to be-“
Aiba grabbed both her arms gently, concern filling his eyes. “Mao, it’s okay. I know you don’t want this for me but I need to be here or else things are going to get out of hand. Rehab can wait. You know I can’t leave right now.”
She knows perfectly well he was here to step in until Jun recovers…And with Ohno-She tried to keep in the tears. With not knowing when Ohno will wake up… Jun will need him… They both know what’s going to happen.
“I need you to promise me,” she then said in a firm tone.
Aiba’s hands slid off. She doesn’t have to say what she means by that. “I’m trying hard, Mao. Please believe me.”
She regarded him for a moment more. He was doing everything he can. She then gave a nod and her eyes slid towards Jun’s room.
“Where have you been all night? You know you can’t disappear on us like that.”
She could feel Aiba’s eyes on her, trying to figure her out. She’s never done this. She knew the dangers it posed.
That question was bound to come up. “I’m sorry. I spent the night with Hye and I forgot-“
“You don’t forget,” Aiba said simply. He watched as Mao lowered her head. No one knows more than her. “The last they saw of you was leaving the hospital. You went with Yamashita.”
Her head snapped up. Aiba’s questioning gaze still on her. “Is it really necessary to talk about this right here, right now?”
“I was really worried, Mao…”
She looked away and the lies just sprang to her lips.
“I just wanted a drink. And when Hye called me up asking to hang out, I went straight to meet her. I’m sorry I didn’t tell anyone. I thought we’d just be a while. But we waited for the rain to stop and just had one too many.”
“I had someone with me. Yamashita. He was with me the whole time so I didn’t think much of it. When I woke up, it’s already morning.”
“We went to look for you at your friend’s house, Mao. No one was there.”
Her mind raced frantically for another story. That failed to cross her mind. “I didn’t say we were at her house.”
“Then where were you?”
“We went to a hotel. And when it was clear we’ve just had too much to drink, we spent the night there. I used my credit card. You can check that if you still don’t believe me,” she challenged slightly. “I’ve made a mistake, I know that. Can we leave it at that, please?”
She raked a hand through her hair, looking frustrated. She bit her lip, clearly upset. Aiba knew what she must be feeling. Jun and Ohno met with such grave situations and she was out having fun… She must be beating herself up with that knowledge. And here he was trying to remind her. He felt awful. But the thought of not being able to find her… The memory of Yui had come back to him… And the fear that gripped him… He then sent most of the men looking for her. They were at it till they’d received word she had arrived home.
“I’m sorry.”
Mao’s eyes went to him, understanding his gaze. She knew her actions were inconsiderate but she didn’t mean for any of it… What Aiba must have gone through all night… Unable to work her throat, she just gave a shake of her head, eyes going back to Jun’s room once more. She knew she was being a little insensitive right now but her frayed nerves…
“I know you want to go in-“ Aiba started to say.
“I want to see Ohno. How he’s doing…”
Aiba looked at her for a moment before giving a nod.
**
The door slid open and she stepped in, Aiba had chosen to wait for her outside. Her body had gone a little rigid as her eyes fell on Ohno. She hated the sounds of every machine surrounding him, feeling it grating her nerves. She didn’t think she could take another step. The emotions were slowly draining her but she pushed herself to move closer.
She’d always find him sitting up in his room before, with an apologetic look in his eyes for making her worry. Whatever wounds he’d suffered before, he always managed to bounce back easily. He had always been the one taking care of most everything and so he needed to stand back up on his feet as soon as possible. It was just in him. She remembered in one of those instances, she’d given him a dancing Mumble doll as a get well soon gift. It could very well be a strict reminder that he’d be getting more of that if he isn’t extra careful in the future. She doesn’t like visiting them in hospitals.
As predicted he hadn’t been fond of her little gift, she almost regretted trying to torture him when he saw his face, looking a lot grumpy than usual. With that little pout of his. But then she and Aiba had discovered the joy of making the doll dance on his bed or the bedside table at random times. She’d find him torn between amusement and just wanting them to go away.
But at least they were still able to find something better at the end of the day…
But now…
She had stopped by his bedside, trying to hold on to that memory. Wanting to prolong having to face the terrible reality… But he was right there so still, so pale… All the life seemed to be gone from him…
The lump in her throat hurt. She reached out a hand and placed it over his.
“If you don’t wake up soon, I’ll fill this room up with those Mumble dolls. I swear I will.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
She tried to work her lips into a brave smile for him but they just quivered weakly. Her head dropped and the silent tears fell.
**
Jun stirred. He tried to move and gave a wince; pain digging into his shoulder. He made to raise his hand when it grazed something soft. He looked down and saw her; her head buried in her arms. She had fallen asleep while waiting for him to wake up. His dry lips worked into a smile. His fingers made their way into her hair and she instantly jerked up. Her gaze focused on him.
“Hey…” His voice came out a little scratchy.
She straightened up, her expression unreadable.
“You know I hate hospitals.”
He took a deep breath and started to speak when she interrupted him.
“So I’m going home.” She made to go.
“Wait-“ He caught her hand and had raised himself up, gritting his teeth in pain.
Concern flashed across her eyes. She didn’t make another move, knowing he won’t sit still.
“You’re not really going to leave me right now, are you?”
“The notion’s tempting.”
He knew this is bound to get to her from time to time. It was a part of their life but it wasn’t something she’d ever want to get used to.
“Stay with me.” His thumb softly circled the back of her hand
“I’m tired.”
He knew what she really meant. She tried to subtly move away but he pulled on her hand and asked her to stay once more.
“Mao…”
“I can’t.” But her voice had changed. He knew she was slowly softening to him.
He gave her hand a little tug again.
“I can’t, Jun.”
“Why not?” He asked, suddenly unsure if he was just mistaken.
“You snore.”
It wasn’t the answer he expected. She was looking at him so seriously that he snorted and gave a laugh.
“It’s not a laughing matter. I’m going to lose precious sleep.” She tried to keep a straight face, her eyes giving a little twinkle.
His laughter trailed off; enjoying the tender way she was looking at him. Whatever happens, she finds a way to
“Climb on up,” he invited.
Mao gave him a look. “I am not. You need a lot of rest. I’ll take the-“
She had half-landed on the bed when he suddenly pulled her to him. He was met with a stern look. She ordered him to stop when he started to put his hands on her waist, intending to lift her to the bed.
“Okay, okay!” She conceded. He shouldn’t be exerting this much effort just yet.
He gave a childlike smile as he made room for her and waited for her to settle down beside him. She stretched her legs out, turning narrowed eyes at him. She gave a yelp when he suddenly hugged her to him with one arm. He leaned his head against hers, breathing her in. She gave a little chuckle and put her arms around him, closing her eyes. They stayed that way for a while.
“If you start snoring, I’m out of here,” she then told him as soon as they had lain down, each taking up their own side. The blanket thrown over them.
He gave another laugh. He indicated for her to slide closer, offering his shoulder. She didn’t think it was a good idea. But he insisted. She gave an exaggerated sigh and settled into him, lying on her side. His fingers curled around her nape, lightly caressing her soft skin. He felt her hands go around his waist. Their bodies pressed closer.
He gave a contented sigh. His lips kissing her temple. His eyes grew heavy feeling the fatigue fall on him again. He fought to stay awake, taking in the scent of her hair as he felt her lips brush lightly against his neck.
“Go to sleep…” he heard her whisper as she nuzzled him.
He had his eyes closed. “Stay…”
“Mmm…”
He started drifting off, knowing he’ll be waking up to her...
His eyes snapped open, lying still for a while as he stared up the ceiling; a little disoriented. He gave a swallow, gradually realizing he is really in a hospital room. His body felt like something heavy was crushing it. He instantly looked down.
His bedside was empty.
He started looking around. Remembering the scene in the elevator; it jolted him awake now. What happened to Ohno? How long has he been here? He tried to get up but his body just wouldn’t let him. It had reached its limit; his mind surrendering to everything he’s gone through. He fell on his back and was about to reach for the call button when the door to his room opened.
Seeing her brought a wave of relief through him and he could say the same thing for her. He tried to immerse himself in that feeling. The feeling only she could ever give. Things were slowly trying to drive him over the edge but with her here, he can take it. As long as she’s here…
“How’s Ohno?” He asked, his voice had gone hoarse from the ordeal.
Mao had stopped close to his bed, looking down at him. The fleeting happiness he had seen in her had subsided. His gaze grew stricken as she told him his condition. He watched her; she had been crying… Her eyes were a little red and puffy. He himself hadn’t waken up for two nights. She looked exhausted; she was exhausted. And right now he was concerned with the look in her eyes…
“It’s Wu Zun, isn’t it?” She asked in a defeated voice. Everything she was afraid of had turned into a harsh reality….
It was the one question no one answered. Truthfully, that is. Someone must have cautioned Aiba beforehand about not giving away any details of the sort. They weren’t fooling her. Whatever happened last night… She knew it just had to be Wu Zun.
He didn’t have to say anything; confirming it when he looked away.
“Don’t you think enough’s enough, Jun?”
The tone of her voice; her words were unsettling… Feeling like they were the start to an ugly truth. He didn’t know what she wanted to say but he knew didn’t want to hear any of it. He didn’t want to think about any of it. Not now. Not this time. Why can’t he go back to that dream… Was it just a dream? No… He was sure they really had that… But everything in the past had become so surreal… He desperately wanted to hold on to them… But they were slipping right through his fingers… He could feel her slipping away…
“I don’t need this right now…. We don’t need this…” He was almost pleading. He just needed to rest with her for a while…
“I can’t take it anymore.” Her voice was so quiet but it feels like she was screaming at him.
“Don’t do this right now-“
“When is the right time then? Is there even a right time? It’s always the same thing, isn’t it? We’re always going to find ourselves like this. And it gets worse every single time. It’s made Aiba put his life on hold just to be here. Ohno-“ She took a calming breath. “Ohno’s just barely holding on. And you…”
Her eyes took in his haggard features. The toll this life has been taking on him… She could see it slowly breaking him down. She could see her slowly breaking him down… She had always been the cause… And it was time he understands it’s time to end that. He needed to see what she was doing to all of them.
“I can’t hear it right now, Mao. Not like this-“
“You have to!” Desperation in her voice. “All of our lives depend on it. You know what needs to happen.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about-“
“You need to let me go.”
His eyes snapped to her. He slowly raised himself up. All pain forgotten. Mao looked torn; wanting to stop him and yet she can’t seem to move.
“What are you trying to say?”
“You understand it, Jun. I know you do.”
He wrenched his gaze away from her.
“Keeping me by your side puts us all in danger. They’ve always used me to get to you-“
“I don’t care,” he almost shouted. He really can’t do this right now.
Her eyes flashed in frustration. He still wasn’t listening. “Is losing Aiba, losing Ohno worth all of this? Is trying to hold on to me worth losing your life over for? It doesn’t have to be that way agai-”
“This is how our life is, Mao. It’s always been that way. And it’s not going to change just because you are not-“ He couldn’t finish the sentence. Couldn’t bear the thought.
“Then I don’t want to give them another reason to make things easier for them. They will never stop using me. And I don’t want to see any of you get hurt just because of me. I can’t have that. I don’t want that!”
She couldn’t stop the tears. The ache in her heart… The guilt that’s pushing her to let this all out… Why couldn’t he understand that it was the best for all of them? All she’s ever done is bring them pain… If she wasn’t a part of their lives… No one can ever get to them like this anymore… It was her fault… All her fault…
“No one’s blaming you-“
“I am! And you have to see that, Jun. Please… It’s never going to end unless we do something about it ourselves-“
“Then I will end them,” he said steadily, meeting her gaze. “I will end all of them if it means-“
“Listen to yourself! How will that resolve anything-“
“And you leaving can?” He was trying to stay calm. But he understood her pain… She never wanted to face anything like this anymore… But he can’t make himself just let her go like that… He can’t see a life without her…
All she knows is she wanted something different for herself now. She wanted everything to just be different…
“We were able to endure this life because we were together. All four of us. It is a life because we made it one. You know it’s not the same for us. We can’t just go anytime we want to. Can you really leave us here… knowing that?”
She would give anything to have what they had again… She never wanted to leave them. Never would she have imagined that a time like that could ever come… But that was never going to happen… No matter how much she wanted it… So much has happened… All of them have changed…
“We all have a choice, Jun. It’s never easy, but I’ve made mine…”
“If I say I’ll leave this life, what will you do?”
The quiet question caught her off-guard for a moment. Something she didn’t think she’d ever hear. How long has she wanted to hear him say that…? Hear him offer that… What would she have done if she heard it then?
She would have pulled him by the hand and they’d run. Run to their future without looking back…
“I don’t want you saying that because you think I want to hear it.” She wanted to hear him really want it for himself… More than for her… And saying it now… Amidst everything… Somehow it isn’t the same…
“What will you do?”
She closed her eyes a moment, not wanting to think about it.
“I know you, Jun. You won’t do that… The consequences… If you could, you would have done it already…Way before…” A sadness surfaced in her eyes. The quiet acceptance almost killing him…
“If you asked me… If I heard it from you-“
“I didn’t want to do that… I wanted it to come from you… I don’t want you regretting anything just for my sake… I’ve never blamed you… I know what hold this life has on you... But you made a choice too…”
He remained silent. He had his eyes down. She didn’t know what to think of the expression on his face.
“Jun-“
“Give me time.”
He looked up.
“Give me time to come to terms with all of this… Please…”
Her chin had trembled slightly; having made a decision already. “I’m going to wait for Ohno to wake up… And then…”
She held his gaze for a while more… Was this really happening? Her heart gave a twinge. She didn’t know what was behind his eyes… They felt empty… Lost… But she knew it was just for now…
They’ll be able to walk away from this…
They will…
“You rest…,” she then said. She was going now…
He looked like he wanted to say something. Wanted to ask her to stay… But he knew in his heart what her answer will be…
He watched her turn to go.
And in that moment, all the pain came crashing back down.
But he’d rather feel that…
If he can feel only that…
And not the despair in his heart…
**
Mao could feel the tears burning in the back of her eyes again. She leaned her head back on the side of the desk and stretched her legs out on the floor.
She really should stop. It’s been another three days but the emotions were still wreaking havoc to her. She’s already cried herself to sleep after her conversation with Jun… She was careful not to become emotional when she was with the kids. Though she needn’t have to worry because they always worked their magic on her. But the moment she is alone…
She was saying goodbye to the biggest part of her life… She knew it was what she wanted all this while… But the thought that it could become real… Everything all four of them had shared… She was saying goodbye to them forever…
But she will be alright soon…
She just knows it…
The door suddenly slid open. She snapped her head to it, startled at seeing Pi standing there. He looked relieved to see her. She had chosen this classroom knowing no one will think to look for her here. But she guessed that he was a little more determined… But what was he doing here? She hadn’t seen him ever since that morning they found out about Jun and Ohno.
Aiba had told her of the sudden change in her detail. She didn’t protest too much; he was bound to get suspicious. Especially after that night she couldn’t be reached… She had made a small mistake at the hospital when they had stopped outside Jun’s room after visiting Ohno. She reminded him that Pi shouldn’t be held responsible for anything. That he shouldn’t give him any trouble. She won’t hear of it.
She forgot to be a little more subtle. But it had completely slipped her mind; the situation really not helping. And seems like Aiba was trying to keep Pi at bay in some way at the least. Wanting to avoid a similar incident from happening.
“You’re here.”
Pi’s heart lifted at the tone of her voice. As if she’d like nothing more than that.
“They asked for another guard.” They didn’t really say he can’t go and so he took the opportunity. No one could stop him anyway. He… He just wanted to see her.
Aiba had always been an in-your-face kind of guy compared to Ohno and he showed just that. He didn’t hold anything back at the hospital. He had called for him and when they were alone had suddenly grabbed him by the neck and told him almost threateningly that he didn’t want anymore funny business from him. He was going to keep an eye on him. And if he so as much failed to keep in line again… He had let the sentence hang. But he wasn’t easily intimidated. Not at all, but he had given a nod and played his part well.
But he knows perfectly well it was only the beginning of his problems.
Aiba hadn’t asked for anymore explanation though. He chose to believe Mao. But he knew he was looking at him different. Like somehow she had told him something he was trying hard to figure out.
He hesitated about going in but caught the look in her eye. The door slid close behind him. His eyes went to her, sitting there on the floor. He noted the drooping of her eyes; the exhaustion etched on her face. He’d only caught glimpses of her in the house the past days. He wanted to know what was going through her mind… He could feel the slight nervousness in him.
What happened to Matsumoto and Ohno had clearly drained her…
But there seemed to be something more…
Will he get to know?
She managed a small smile for him. He still didn’t know what to do next.
“Pi…”
It sounded like she’d always been calling him that.
“Will you stay with me for a while…?”
He didn’t think she wanted to talk about it… She just needed someone right now… Whatever she asks for, he was here for her… Even if her pain was about someone else…
He didn’t answer but had slowly walked to the middle of the classroom. He stopped by a table. He then pulled out the chair, lowering himself down. Mao had kept her eyes on him. He lifted his to her. She gave him a grateful look before lowering her eyes to her hands.
Silence fell in the room as they kept each other company.**
Mao had no idea how much time had passed but the sky outside had turned dark. She gave a small sniff; silent tears had rolled down her cheeks at a time. She had kept her head down, hoping he won’t see. But she knew he did; she had felt his gaze on her. But he stayed where he was, unsure on what to do.
She turned her head to him. He had fallen asleep; his chin down and arms crossed together. She gazed at him for a while more and started to get up. Her feet moved and she stopped close to him. She peeked at his face; his presence had made things more bearable… Just knowing he was there… Knowing she wasn’t alone…
Her eyes softened slightly. She suddenly reached out a hand, drawing closer to his sleeping face. She found she liked seeing him like this… Like nothing was ever going to break his peace… Her fingers then curled back when she caught herself…
She straightened up, looking a bit embarrassed at what she had been about to do. She looked to him one last time and then headed for the door.
It slid shut softly.
Pi opened his eyes at the sound. He uncrossed his arms, at a lost on what he was feeling. He had just been resting his eyes for a moment but had suddenly heard her coming closer. He kept them shut and she had stopped in front of him. He had felt her move once more and was somehow anticipating her touch on his skin when she must have pulled back. And then she was gone.
He wanted to understand what was going on… He couldn’t stop thinking about that night… About how she had made him feel… It had been the first time in a long while someone’s held him like that… A long while since he allowed anyone to… And he lost himself in her safe embrace… He’d forgotten he had nightmares… He’d forgotten about having no place in this world…
How could that be when he was right where he can be…
He looked at the spot on the floor where she had been. Why did she go? He felt the urge to go find her again. He got to his feet, waling briskly towards the door. He was about to slide it open when someone beat him to it. Mao gave a little jump when she saw him. He hadn’t expected her to come back.
“You’re awake,” she then said as he took a step back. She held up two juiceboxes. Grape. “I went to get us drinks.”
Pi just gave a nod. She stepped in, keeping her eyes on him. Hoping he didn’t think she’d just leave him here like that; she had just suddenly felt parched. She handed one to him and he took it. They were silently sipping their juice. She then looked up at him.
“I never thought…,” she started as she lowered her hand. His eyes went to her. “That the one place I find comforting could be so different for you…”
She never imagined she’d look at this place any differently. But what he’d suffered at the hands of the people here before… She can now see the darkness it once held… Suddenly remembering the way he had looked standing under the tree… She understands now…
This had been the place where his horrors started… And it had pushed him further into darkness…
He thought he could never talk about it. But with her… “Seeing the change here… It helps at some point. I finally saw something real in this place. It’s good that the kids have that. They deserve to have every one of you here.”
“You’re a part of it too, you know.”
Their gazes locked. His lips lifted slightly. It was good to hear that… At least he’s offered something to erase some of its horrid past… They fell into silence.
“But it doesn’t seem to be working right now… I’ve always managed to find some peace of mind here…” She met his gaze.
He understood; Things have made a turn for the worse…
“I don’t want things to change for you about this place.” He knew she loved it. There were other words he wanted to say, but couldn’t find the courage yet…
She shook her head. “No, of course not… It just strengthened my resolve to make more positive changes.”
She gave a smile.
“How about you…? Where do you go when it’s all too much?” She wanted to know… Surely he will have a place… To help him forget for a while… To remind him that everything is not as hopeless…
His eyes took all of her in. He knew just what to do.
“How about I take you there?”
Mao looked at him for a moment. She knew she didn’t have to think about it.
**
“Where’s Mao?”
“She’s at the orphanage,” Aiba replied as he placed the food tray in front of Jun. “You need to eat this time.”
“I can’ take anymore of that crap.” Jun tried to push it away.
“Look carefully. I got this from outside. Some of your favorites. So hurry up and eat it before the nurse sees.” She was one strict lady.
But he still didn’t have the appetite. He picked up the chopsticks though, sensing Aiba giving him the eagle eye.
“She hasn’t been coming.” He had his eyes on the food, not really seeing them.
Aiba had settled onto a chair and looked at his friend.
“Of course she has… She’s just been coming in very late.” He knew she was trying to avoid Jun but can’t really stay away… “But she’s here every night.”
Jun’s head whipped to him. She is…?
“Come on, Jun. It’s Mao. She can never leave you like that.”
A faraway look appeared in Jun’s eyes.
“Something’s different…”
“What?” Aiba said, not getting what he means. Concerned eyes went to him.
“I don’t know… Something’s just changed…”
Jun then turned back to his food. A mild frown had creased Aiba’s brow. He watched as he tried to enjoy it; an unsettling feeling falling on him.
**
Pi entered the busy kitchen; the few staff gave them a greeting and he returned them with a bow of his head. He looked back to Mao, who had Dae Sung ran into her and was apologizing profusely as he carried a large pot of stock away. She met his gaze, a small bemused smile on her lips.
They had slipped out of the orphanage easily. Going out back where some of the volunteers parked their scooters. They had asked one of them to lend his to them. They were just going to be a while. He had gladly given them the keys. They never really say no to Mao most of the time. And they never asked questions. Pi thought they’d buy yakitori for the guy when they get back.
He’d fastened the helmet on himself and helped with hers, feeling a bit awkward about it at first. He had sat there, waiting for her to climb in. She held onto his shoulders as she climbed in. He thought she’d keep them there but after a slight pause, her hands went down to his waist. He stiffened; she for sure felt that. But she kept them there till they arrived at the shop.
He asked where Nino was. Tae Yang had answered he was behind the bar. The shop was very busy as it was dinnertime. He told them he’d go upstairs and wait for him there. He looked back at Mao and gestured for her to follow him. Tae Yang had called out they’d send food up for them in a minute.
“Who owns this place?” Mao had asked once they left the buzz downstairs. Somehow she would have liked to stay in it for a while. Loving the atmosphere of the small quaint shop.
“A friend of mine.” He had signaled to Nino while Mao was surveying the place before they made their way up; he’d be here in a while.
They reached the top of the stairs opening up to the living room. Pi led her to the couch. She sank into it and looked around. The place was cozy. Warm. Drawing materials and paper littered the coffee table. A couple of photo frames along with knick-knacks and small toys lined the rows of shelves nailed to the wall. A clothesline with various drawings clipped to it was on the other side.
Pi watched as she looked around, liking the place. She turned to him with a smile. She could see why this would be his place to go to… Her eyes went back to taking in everything. She noticed the photo frame on the small side table. She gave a frown. The couple in the photo looked somewhat familiar… Her musings were disrupted when she heard a door closing shut.
She looked up to see where it came from.
“It’s Mio, his daughter. She’s a bit shy,” Pi offered an explanation. He seemed nervous, distracted even. His eyes darting to the stairs once in a while.
“Are you okay?”
“There’s something you should know-“
He was startled to see Mio peeking out from behind the door. She never comes out when he’s here. Mao’s eyes went to her too. She gave a smile and a little wave, calling out and saying hi. Mio kept her gaze on her. Pi turned to the stairs. Someone was coming up at the moment.
“What are you doing here, Pi? I got some yakitori all ready for you, just in case you’re wondering.” Nino emerged, wiping his hands with a small towel and turned to them. His smile froze as his eyes fell on Mao.
Pi shot to his feet. His eyes on her. She was looking at Nino like she’s seen him from somewhere but couldn’t remember where. Nino’s eyes went to Pi, his jaw tightening. What the hell did he think he was doing?
“You…” She seemed to have remembered as she slowly stood up. “You’re supposed to be-“
She didn’t want to finish the sentence.
“What’s going on here?” She aimed this at Pi. “Do you- Do you know who he really is?”
“Yes,” Pi said quietly.
Mao’s confused expression turned to one of disbelief. Something horrible started to grow in her heart. Had she been wrong about him…? Had she put her trust on the wrong person…? She didn’t want to believe that…
“Explain then.” The expression on her face slashed at him. She didn’t know what to make of any of this. All she knows is the man standing in front of her is a part of the Nagase group. Clearly something was not right here. But this place… All this… She grew more confused. “Or maybe I should be going-“
“It’s not what it looks like,” Pi started.
Nino caught his eyes. He needed an explanation too before he tears one into him. Has he even thought this through? How could he drag their life out like this? Nino suddenly looked down when he felt something beside him.
Their gazes went to Mio who had had come out of her room, unnoticed, and was now hugging one of her father’s legs. Her presence seemed to have thrown all three off for a moment. She was looking up at Mao, as she hid behind her father. Nino was looking at his daughter in surprise. He crouched down to her level, gently asking if there was anything wrong. The shy girl still had her eyes on her.
Nino had pulled Mio to him and looked up at Mao.
“I’m done with the past. You have to believe that.”
Mao looked down at the father and daughter; both he and Pi started relaying the whole truth about their situation. Pi observing her all this while, hoping she will find it in her heart to believe all this…
He had wanted her to see this…
To show her that there was a way out of the life she desperately wants to escape from…
That if she asks him, he will take her to it…
Her eyes went to him and he held her gaze.
Was it right to take this risk…?
**
“I don’t like this, Pi.”
Nino’s voice bit at every word. Pi’s eyes shifted awkwardly. After having told Mao everything, she had kept silent; it was hard to know what she really thought about all of it. The silence seemed to stretch. Nino had then interjected that Mio seemed to like her. And that’s never happened before; not this instantly anyway. She’d always needed to warm up to people before she ever lets them in. It was a small attempt to defuse the situation. But it worked nevertheless. Mao had given her a small kind smile. Mio pressed against her father but was still looking at her.
Nino suggested if she wants to show her drawings to their guest. Mio seemed to not want to let go of him at first but then her hands slowly slid from him. He watched sort of in awe as Mio went to the coffee table. She had sat down on the floor and started picking up her crayons. Mao had given both men a quick look before she followed her.
Pi took it as a good sign that she didn’t insist on leaving the place then and there. Nino had indicated for him to follow him and they went downstairs. Pi knew Nino was just controlling his temper. Knew he longed to cause him bodily harm. No one messes with him and his daughter. The door to the pantry had shut off the noise from the restaurant and Nino had rounded on him.
“What the hell were you thinking? Our lives aren’t yours to do away with however you please.”
“I’m sorry,” was all he could say.
Nino didn’t seem to hear him. “What is it you want to get out of all of this? Why do you have to pull us into whatever plans you have? What is going on, Pi? Why is she with you? She’s Matsumoto’s woman. Do you have any idea what that means?”
Nino’s sharp gaze then snapped to him.
“Is this your way of wanting to get to Matsumoto? It’s what you’ve been planning on all along?”
“Things weren’t supposed to turn out this way but…” His voice trailed off. He’s always had a hard time being truthful, being honest and he was finding it difficult to get it all out.
“Why are you with her, Pi?” Nino’s quiet voice asked. But it seems like he’s seeing what was really going on. It was more than a calculated plan for revenge…
It was genuinely something he wanted to do… Not for anything else but for…
“Are you insane?” He then continued when Pi failed to answer. He looked at him. There was no denying it. Whatever craziness Pi had come up with, it was because of her. All because of her. And he never thought he’d see the day…
“And you brought her here; you risk our lives like that, just so you can let her see that she can have it too? That she can leave it all behind? Is that it?” He knows what it feels like to feel trapped in that kind of life.
If that was the case, then he’s in really deep. He never thought he’d see him care for someone like this. Even have himself throw all common sense out…
“And because… ” He hesitated. “I wanted to show a part of my life that at least is real. That at least is truthful…”
“But you’re still lying to her. You haven’t told her everything.”
“And I’m working on it. I will tell her but I can’t just yet.” The lies are getting to him too. He wanted to be honest with her but the thought scares him more than anything…
“Why? Because she isn’t that attached to you yet?” Nino didn’t care about being sensitive. He had to understand the dangers of what he was doing. “What if she becomes attached to you and then finds out the truth, have you even thought about what it will do to her?”
Pi seemed to be battling with himself. “I just know I want her to be a part of my life.”
Nino’s eyes widened a bit at that. Not expecting this honest answer from him.
“Pi, she is Matsumoto’s woman,” he repeated.
“She isn’t. She hasn’t been for a long while.”
He knows very well that doesn’t change things. “Matsumoto is not going to spare you.”
“He’s not going to find out.”
Nino looked at him incredulously. He couldn’t honestly think that. He gave an inaudible sigh. Whatever he’s doing, no one can talk him out of it. Still… Something good came out of all this… She’s made him feel more human… Made him remember what it feels like… That still counts for something…
He just hoped everything will be alright for him… For both of them…
Nino raked a hand through his hair; uncertainty still present.
“She won’t say anything,” Pi reassured, sensing his worry.
And somehow he knows that to be true. She’s not one to destroy someone else’s life like that. And he’s seen the way she looked at Mio. They were safe. But her connection with Matsumoto runs deeper than anything…
“It’s just going to get harder from here on.”
“I know.”
But it’s going to be worth it…
**
Pi felt her.
He had been sitting in the middle of the stairs, trying to find the courage to go back up. Nino had gone back to supervising the shop while he had made his way upstairs. He’d taken a peek first and saw the two still concentrated on drawing; with their backs to him. He had felt a little nervous, turned to go but stopped when he was on his way down. And he hasn’t moved since. He didn't know for how long.
“Are there anymore surprises?”
He turned his head back to her quiet voice. She was sitting at the top, looking at him steadily. She was still not over this huge news he sprang on her out of the blue. Suddenly realizing there is so much she doesn’t know about him.
Pi looked forward again. “I’m sorry… I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to see the look on your face when I open up…”
“And you think this way is a better alternative?”
He shook his head, not knowing what else to say. They fell silent again. He could feel her gaze boring into his back. He gave a swallow before wrenching out the words out of him.
“I just don’t want to see you looking at me any differently everytime I show you who I am… So I find it so hard…”
“Are you going to let me know everything…?” She said in a whisper after a while.
He slowly turned to her. “I don’t know how to do this… I can’t lay it all out at once...”
He felt the slight ache in his heart. He will try… He wanted to… But…
“Do you still want to…?”
**
Jin dried his hair with the towel as he stepped out of the bathroom. He went to his table and pressed a key on his laptop. The screen blinked back on. He threw the towel down on the floor and sat down. Moving the cursor, a satisfied smirk appeared on his lips.
A knock came from the door. It was his cousin. Telling him to hurry; they had a celebration to get to. He gave an irritated reply saying he was almost done. Those celebrations they were holding were just plain ridiculous. They weren’t even the ones who took down Matsumoto but they seemed to want to share in the credit. But with Wu Zun gone out of the country for a while, they just couldn’t help themselves. Honestly, he had better things to do than try to act like he even cares.
He clicked on the photos, reliving them once again. He gave a malicious grin, hit the print button and waited for the photo to come out. He swiped it when the machine was done and looked at it.
This was the most satisfying shot he’s ever gotten. His eyes took in every detail: from the rain, to their close proximity, to that kiss…
He wonders what she tastes like…
Sure he felt the resentment that the bodyguard had those lips before him… But he wasn’t in a hurry… Biding his time… And somehow this dynamic added more to the thrill… It would have bored him if he’d gotten to her without any excitement along the way… So he’d let this play out… Let them sink further into their little world…
And when he has his way with her…
Which he definitely will…
Their world crashing down will be a lot more satisfying… A lot more climactic…
She and the bodyguard…
And of course, Matsumoto…
He gave another smirk, truly enjoying this. He never expected to run into a gold mine of discoveries like this. He gave a nasty chuckle. What will Matsumoto do when he finds out that the same night he almost lost his life, he’s lost his woman as well…
He’ll find out soon but not just yet… He doesn’t think this is enough to send the man over the edge. He wanted to be thorough. He wanted to make sure that after he’s done with everything, he’ll send him through another onslaught of hell. One he will never recover from.
One all three of them will never recover from.
He hoped they’d always make things easy for him like this.
Loud rapping came from the door once again.
He gave a dark look, placing the photo into his drawer and stood up. Telling himself to be patient.
He will have his fun soon.
