Chapter 32: Scarred Memories

The lights flickered on.

She stepped into the room, eyes looking around but not really taking anything in. She slowly made her way inside. She heard him following in behind her; the soft sound of the door clicking in place making her heart pound harder. She nervously tucked her damp hair behind an ear. She could feel him still standing by the door as she tried hard not to focus on him. All the air in the room seemed to have gone at this point. She heard him finally move. Could feel him coming nearer. Willing herself, she turned around and he wordlessly handed her the plastic bag from the hotel’s gift shop containing her change of clothes.

Her hand reached for it, keeping her eyes down. She didn’t dare look at him... Not when she was feeling like this… Her emotions were so fragile right now… She has no control over them… She could feel herself wanting to meet his gaze… She had to stop herself. She took the bag and immediately brushed past him, heading towards the bathroom.

The door closed behind her. She placed the plastic bag on the sink and leaned on the door, feeling drained. Her hand slowly went to her lips; fingertips tracing them slightly.

And she was back under the rain with him…. She should be feeling the coldness of it as it hit her skin but the warm taste of his lips shielded her…

He was so warm against her...

And she wanted to stay with him right there…

Let him show her what he wanted to tell her… Let her know what those gazes… Those guarded answers… The undeniable pull between them truly meant for him… And she answered him back… Meeting him with what had burst out from deep within her… She didn’t want him to stop… She wanted to know again and again…

He had kissed her with increasing tenderness… Forgetting for a while what that vulnerability could mean… For both of them…

His kiss told her he didn’t want it to end… He didn’t want any of this to end…

He could never let go…

And she knew she didn’t want him to…

She could almost sense that slight fear in him… That it isn’t real… That it’s never going to last… That he’s setting himself up to crash and burn… He’ll surface from this and he won’t find her there… She felt all that and she kissed him back, clung to him just so he could understand… Understand that she wasn’t going anywhere… That she too wanted to stay…

With him…

A group of three friends had run past them, slightly giggling. Their lips broke at the sound. Another person had gone past them as she tried to shield herself from the rain, clearly trying to avoid their gazes. So were they.

She had looked back up at him. Both of them were reeling and breathless from the moment they shared. And yet… Her fingers curled around the front of his coat. His gaze growing intense again as he started to lean down towards her. Her lips parted slightly…

But a couple more people went past them again.

She had slowly taken her hands away from his coat. A tensed silence fell between them then. An unspoken understanding was reached to start making their way back to the car. He had opened the car door when they arrived at the lot. He waited for her to slide in the backseat; both still keen on avoiding each other’s gazes. He was taken aback when she hesitated and opened the passenger’s side door instead. He had stood there for a while after she disappeared inside and had closed the door.

“I don’t want to go back just yet,” she had told him in a quiet voice as soon as he settled into the driver’s seat.

She felt his gaze on her for a while but she knew he understood…

She ran a hand through her hair, looking absently around the bathroom. And here they were…

She needed to sort herself out first before they go back… She could hear him moving outside. Did she really want to go back…?

Burying her face in her hands, she slid down to the floor and hugged her knees to her. The lump in her throat hurting. The emotions wreaking havoc to her…

There had only been one man…

Only one man that could ever evoke these feelings … That’s what she always believed… What she thought she will always believe…

But now…

She bit her lower lip, feeling frustrated, restless. When did it happen…? When did she allow herself to get attached to him in such a way that- that it just felt right…

Everything felt right with him…

Just right...

But how can she be this vulnerable towards a man she hardly knows… How can she put herself on the line like that…? And it scared her more that she didn’t deem that important… That all she wanted to know was the moments he gave her… Moments that help her forget… Help her forget her world and give her what she’s always been craving for…

An escape…

What about for him…?

Why did he do that…? Why would he…? Does she need to ready herself for him denying whatever impulse he’d acted on? That’s what he’s always been doing, right…? Hiding from everything… Shielding himself from everything…

But no… The way he felt on her lips… The way he kissed her… He was done being in denial… It was as if she could feel him forgetting his own pain… And she thrived in that sensation… She wanted to make him forget as well… She wanted to make him whole… She wanted him to know that she can do that for him…

She buried into her arms. It was crazy just how much she feels that overwhelming her. What is it about him that makes her just want to save him…? Compassion…? A kindred spirit…?

All she knows is they were tied together now… In ways deeper than they ever thought possible…

She raised her head; hearing the sounds coming from him outside.

**

His coat and blazer were on the floor. The other plastic bag lay open on the table. He turned his head back towards the bathroom. He exhaled sharply and loosened his tie, turning back to the contents from the gift shop bag. He was finding it hard to concentrate; she was still all over his mind…

A weakening hit him. He didn’t regret this… No… Doesn’t think he’ll ever regret any of it... He was finally honest with himself for the first time in his life… Finally willing to let someone in…

Her…

He could finally look at her… Truly look at her…

But he knew it had only been a matter of time… Being with her everyday… Their growing need for each other… With Sho threatening to pull him out of his post… Sensing a change in him… He can’t turn away from it any longer… He knew he’d changed…

And just seeing her connection with Matsumoto… That seemingly unbreakable connection… It shook him… The familiar fear gripping him… Maybe there was nothing he can do…
He tried to hold it in… Really tried… He thought he still could… But then seeing her under the rain… Just being herself… Letting him see a glimpse of what it could be like if he just let everything go…

And so he did…

So he can have that with her…

And his world will never be the same again…

He didn’t think about the consequences… Won’t really see them even if he wanted to… He was willing to take any risk… Even the risk of seeing her turn away from him… Something he didn’t know if he can really face…

But he didn’t have to… She wanted what he wanted… She felt what he felt… And she was more than he ever imagined… Remembering the way she moved over him… The way she let him in… Telling him she was right with him… Telling him she was going to make everything okay…

Is it okay to believe her…?

He wanted to…

He did believe her…

He allowed himself a small smile; the hope slowly growing in him. Someone like her… Someone as beautiful as her was willing to do that for him… Him… Did he deserve it? He was just this messed up, twisted individual…

His smile faded.

A sudden heaviness crushed him out of nowhere. What was he thinking? How could he not think of the consequences? How could he allow his emotions to run away like that?

He isn’t worth it… He can’t think someone broken like him could ever wish for something else… Why would he do this to her…? He can’t….

He raked a hand through his hair, suddenly feeling like he was slowly suffocating. His eyes looking around; lost… As if trying to find a way… There could be a way around this, right? He can still have this…

One moment he was taking in the best moment of his life… And the next, reality was just a little too persistent… Will always remind him that he can’t escape it no matter how hard he tries… He closed his eyes as if in pain, rolling his shoulders back.

It will always be a part of him…

He can’t let her see… He can’t let her see and have her regret this… Moreover, have her look at him like-

He didn’t know if he can live knowing that…

He forced away the image of her with that look…

He turned to the bathroom again. He tore off the tie and threw it down on the table. His wet shirt was suddenly adding more to his discomfort. He started for the buttons immediately; his mind still trying to focus on what he should do next. Not what he wanted…

No… It can’t be about what he wanted anymore…

He flung the shirt down; feeling the material burning into his skin. He caught the scar on his side; just above his waist. He tore into the plastic bag a little too hard. Feeling the mounting frustration tearing at him inside, pounding on him; threatening to break him down…

It can’t be…

**

She felt the soft carpet under her bare feet and slowly stepped out; having changed into a loose T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. She still had no clue what she would do when she comes face to face with him… But maybe she should just let her instincts take her-

She instantly looked away as he threw down his shirt, landing on the floor with his coat and blazer. Maybe she should go back in and wait another five minutes, feeling a sudden shyness. She turned to go but couldn’t help stealing another glance his way.

She froze in her spot this time, brows shooting together. Something didn’t seem right… A look of confusion broke out on her face, slowly turning into disbelief as she stared at his back. She felt her heart lurching at the sight. She stilled for another moment and then felt herself take a step towards him.

He had stopped moving; having paused in the act of pulling out his change of clothes. Seeming to be lost in his thoughts. She was soundlessly making her way to him, feeling a little tremor go through her. Sort of in a horrified trance as the sight that made her heart wrench grew closer… She didn’t know what to think… She didn’t know what to do… But she couldn’t walk away right now… She couldn’t…

Her legs turned a little wobbly as the terrible truth hit her. She couldn’t breathe. She thought she was just mistaken… That her eyes were playing tricks on her… But this… She had stopped just a step behind him. Her chin quivered slightly as she took it all in.

His scars…

The welts all over his back… Running down from his shoulders… From every direction… Overlapping… Stretching all over him… Almost every inch… Raised… Faded; skin turning a dull white but they were there…

They will always be there…

A trembling hand shot to her lips. The tears springing in her eyes. She took in the burn marks as well…Who could have done this to him? The pain he has to carry….

This is why he was so angry… His coldness came from a place of unending pain… Something he can’t run away from… Something that was already a part of him… She understood now why it would be so hard… Why it would be harder for him…

No one deserved this… No one deserved to suffer like this… He shouldn’t…

He shouldn’t…

A lump formed in her throat. She bit her lip to stop making a sound; the tears almost blurring her vision. She raised a hand, reaching out to him. Her fingers hovered hesitantly and then softly grazed the cause of his pain…

He had stiffened and turned around sharply, meeting her teary gaze. She was biting her lip; her eyes searching his. The tears glistening. She looked like she wanted to say something to him… Knowing she could be intruding… She was intruding… But she can’t ignore this…

Can’t ignore him…

His mouth had gone dry. His heart seemed to have stopped when he felt her touch, when he turned around to find her there... But now it was pounding so hard it was painful. He couldn’t seem to move… And then the panic rose almost instantaneously. He snatched up the shirt, wrenching his gaze away from her.

Mao watched as he hurriedly put the shirt over him; wanting to cover what he’s become... He tugged it down and became limp; leaning his hips against the table. He had his head down. His hair had fallen over his face, hiding him from her. It was the only way he could try to shield himself…

Because what he saw in her eyes when he turned around…

It was what he was afraid of…

He could always brush it off… Have grown impervious to it over the years… He really didn’t care because he was used to it… He’s accepted it… When you’ve learned to face the atrociousness that is yourself, it doesn’t really matter anymore. He would have some semblance of pride if it were anyone else… He wouldn’t give a damn anymore if it were anyone else…

But it was her…

He knew it would be different… But he never expected it to leave him this weak…
And in the next moment he felt everything just come crashing down…

“Pi…”

Her trembling voice was soft, almost like a caress; comforting… Trying to soothe away whatever fear he had right now… He should find solace in that… But all he could hear was the pity behind it… The sense of horror…

He knew she won’t look at him in the same way again…

And it isn’t what he wanted… It shouldn’t be this way.

He slowly lifted his head to her and faced himself reflected in her eyes. A single tear rolled down her cheek sensing the anguish he was trying hard to contain. She didn’t know what to do… What would he want her to do...?

And as if he heard her, he spoke in a hollow voice. “Don’t look at me like that…”

He felt pathetic, sad… Worthless… All these threatening to swallow him whole again… That was where he belonged… In the dark… He should only be in darkness…

More tears burned in the back of her eyes. She shook her head slowly. No. It’s not what he thinks. She’s still looking at him as she always did… Can’t he see that…? But who would believe her…? After seeing him… After understanding the pain that has followed him all this time… Who would believe it didn’t change anything…?

But it didn’t… Not in the way he thinks… She wants him to know that…

“Please…” He almost choked out. “Don’t look at me like that…”

He wanted to tear away his skin. To claw at it till nothing is left behind. His body was screaming from the agony it slapped him with. The agony of having her look at him like he was some pitiful thing she should save… That she can’t just look away… Maybe she wanted to but it wasn’t right…

Was that what is really behind her eyes? Or was he just being blinded by his own doing? He saw her took a step closer to him and he flinched at that. She stopped herself, her tear-filled eyes looking at him steadily.

He needed to go… He should go… Suddenly feeling frantic… But she was in front of him and didn’t seem to want to move, trying to catch his gaze. He can’t be this near her… The emotions suffocating him… He went sideways, towards the bed. He needed to be away from her…

But his body got the better of him, suddenly feeling so weakened. His knees gave in and he caught himself, carefully making his way to the bed. He sat down with his head lowered. He could feel her eyes were still on him. He hoped she would just look away… Just leave him be…

He didn’t think he can take anymore of it… With the emotions came the memories… He could feel them… Unwanted memories threatening to flood his mind again… To paralyze him… To let him see that he’d never really gotten past them… He’ll never really be done with them…

It will always tear into him…

Always…

Mao moved towards him, brushing away the tears. He knew she was coming closer but he didn’t seem to have the strength to get up anymore. She’d quietly sat down beside him, leaving a small space between them. She couldn’t seem to tear her gaze away… His whole person had gone so rigid… Her eyes slid from his half-hidden face to the hands clasped tightly together between his knees…

She didn’t know what else to do… She’ll just be here… Waiting… For him to share the torment he’s kept bottled up inside… He’s still fighting to keep it in… She watched as his hands shook slightly… As he wrung them in response to the pain …

She could only imagine the dark memories that stole everything away from him…

==

“Mom, are you and dad still fighting?”

His mom looked up from the shirt she was tending to. The loose buttons on it had been screaming for her attention.

“I thought I heard you in here earlier…” He bit into a wafer stick and observed her.

In fact, he didn’t just hear it. He’d witnessed it.

A craving for popsicle had landed him in the kitchen. It was almost dinnertime then so he had to be extra careful not to get caught. The moment he opened their fridge though, he heard a heated argument coming closer. He barely made it to the pantry, leaving the door slightly ajar.

Their heated discussions had always been about his dad’s work. His mom seemed to have gotten agitated after seeing someone lurking around their house. His dad was reassuring her that everything was okay. He’s already run it by their friends at the office and they’ll be combing the area to make sure nothing’s out of the ordinary.

The trial was already set for tomorrow.

Her nerves could just be playing tricks on her mind. She needed to rest. She had let out a frustrated sigh as if in agreement. But had voiced out tiredly why she allowed him to go through with everything… His dad’s voice had changed… Became gruffer; tinged with regret. He had apologized and promised to make it up to her. To him. His mom wanted to take back her outburst. She shouldn’t have let her emotions run away.

She was proud of him. Those were her words. She knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he hadn’t come forward… Neither could she. And she was thankful he gave her the chance to make a choice… He won’t do anything if she didn’t want to…

And so she did… This was her choice… And no one is to blame… She just panicked when she saw that man. Somehow the gravity of her decision had fallen hard on her all at once.

It will all be over soon.

His dad’s words seemed to still echo in his mind. They had hugged silently after that. The tension in the kitchen seemed to be gone replaced by the warm glow from his parents.

They needed each other. And they can’t waste any energy trying to tear down what they had fought for all this while. They just needed a little reminding… And they knew they won’t let each other down.

He’d come out of the pantry, looking a little embarrassed at having to have heard all of that. He was glad they sorted it out easily. They always did, though sometimes it took a lot longer. Just that he wished he didn’t have to see them being all huggy and… stuff.

His mom had given a small embarrassed smile, but she looked happy. The warm glow from earlier still there.

“We just had a small disagreement. But everything’s okay now.”

He looked a little unsure.

“Tomo…” He made the usual face at the name as she chuckled. “You believe in your dad, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” He is his father after all.

“So do I.” She gave a gentle smile and went back to working on one of his shirts.

“You want to help me with these?” She then finished, wanting to take his mind off what happened earlier. He wasn’t supposed to hear that.

He pulled his glass of milk to him, resting his elbows on the countertop. “No.”

“I think it’s time you learn to do this on your own. I can’t do it for you forever.”

“I don’t mind them anyway. Besides, the buttons aren’t that loose, Mom.”

“They aren’t?” She had held the shirt up, not believing him in the slightest. “Well, anyway, if you don’t want to learn, maybe I’ll just have my future daughter-in-law do it for you.”

“I’m going to sleep.” He gulped down the rest of his milk.

His mom gave a knowing smile. She was being deliberate, knowing how he gets when she opens a topic about girls. But it’s weird how her thoughts lately had been more focused about the future. Always imagining things he could be doing, people he could meet. As if she was trying to remind herself that she will be able to see him have all of that…

He smacked his lips and jumped off the stool.

“Fine. I will spare you,” she beckoned for him. He stepped up to her grudgingly and allowed her to plant a kiss on his cheek.

“Maybe I should wait up for Dad,” he then said, suddenly wanting to see him. He had went out after dinner to attend to some business. His eyes went to the clock on the wall.

“No, it’s a school night. You will see him tomorrow morning, anyway. Go brush your teeth.”

He looked at the clock one last time before going ahead.

**

“You’re home…”

He stirred in his bed and blinked up. His dad’s eyes were crinkled in a smile as he rubbed his eyes.

“Go back to sleep. I just came to check up on you and say goodnight,” he said in a low whisper, patting the blanket covering him.

“Mom told you I heard you two, didn’t she?”

The side of his lips lifted slightly. “Just as long as you understand that things may not always go smoothly between your mom and I but we will always be there for each other. I don’t want you thinking otherwise.”

He nodded his head sleepily. “I know that. But Dad, don’t push yourself too much, okay?”

“What is it you’re doing that’s so important?” He then asked when his dad merely smiled.

He knew he wouldn’t really tell him. At least not for the time being. He wouldn’t want him to share in whatever problem they had… But he had grasped what was going on. Not all the details but he just knew whatever his dad was doing, it was dangerous to all of them. Moving them to this town.... He was sure someone was after them. It wasn’t just about his dad’s company getting sued.

“I’m doing the right thing…” His dad gave another gentle smile.

“If you’re doing the right thing, there’s nothing to worry about then.” He looked up at him, feeling like he needed to hear it.

It helped a bit somehow. A wide smile appeared on his dad’s lips. “Yeah… I’ll see you in the morning then. Tuesday means pancakes for breakfast.”

“And spaghetti for dinner!”

They shared a laugh as his dad gave him one last hug goodnight.

**

“Don’t forget to ask your mom!”

He waved goodbye to his friends, poking their heads out of the school bus. “Yeah, will do!”

The bus drove away with them still waving and laughing. He watched as it rounded the corner and was gone, giving an amused smirk. He turned around and started making his way up their house.

And that was all he remembered.

**

He could hear the sirens all around. His eyes fluttered open; the sky greeting him. He tried to move and winced; his back feeling all sore. He turned his head; he was lying on a lawn, his bag thrown a few feet away. He could hear frantic calls, nervous cries but they were muddled as if someone had put his head under water. What was happening?

“I need a medic here!”

He looked up, dazed. The face that was trying to make sure he was okay was a policeman. What was he doing here? And why was he on the ground? He tried to get up.

“Whoa, kid. It’s okay. We’re going to patch you up real soon. Just lie down.”

“Is he okay?” The man coming into view was in plain clothes but he looked like he was in charge.

“He’s disoriented but there seems to be no visible wounds. The blast must have just knocked him off his feet. Fortunately.” He was trying to tell him to stay still again.

“We are in deep shit this time,” the man in charge said almost to himself; his teeth gritted.
The medics arrived soon and started to work on him. The officer had gotten out of their way and had disappeared to help with the growing crowd. He pushed at the hands that were shining a light into his eyes. He could smell something burning overhead. He could feel the heat.

“Was he inside? Were they inside?”

“Yes.” A new voice. He seemed hesitant in giving answers he knew his superior will not like hearing.

“Shit.” It was almost a growl. “This was why he postponed the trial. That son of a bitch! I should have known. I should have known… He and his fucking connections.”

“Are you sure they were inside?” The man in charge asked again, as if hoping he will get a different answer this time.

“Aoki and his wife were both inside. Our guys brought them back from court themselves. They-“

He had caused a commotion when he had jerked right up and was trying to get away from the two medics. With the rushing adrenaline, he had stood up, still struggling with them and saw the black smoke covering the skies. Their house… Their house stood in flames… Rubble and wood crackling in the inferno… Not an inch spared…

The man must have gotten it wrong. There’s no way his parents were in there… No way were his dad and mom home. They can’t be in that fire... They probably were just mistaken. Yes. That’s it. They made a mistake.

It was just a mistake.

Another explosion sounded. One of the medics shielded him.

“Where the hell is the fire department?” The man in charge barked out.

“Someone take him out of here…” He heard another say

The medics went back to coaxing him to let them check him. They can’t be too careful. They were gently pulling him away. He can’t see this. He shouldn’t see this. But he stood his ground. He didn’t care. Why would he still care?

He watched as the flames spread further, licking at everything in its way… He couldn’t tear his gaze away… As if horribly mesmerized by it… As if he wants to be taken in…

One of the medics saw his expression and couldn’t take it anymore.

They picked him up, turning him around as they walked towards the ambulance.

It was enough…

It was enough…

**

“What are you doing?”

His hand paused on the doorknob. He turned around to see Kei peeking out from under his flimsy blanket. The temperature in the house had dropped considerably through the night but they were given no extra covers. He wasn’t that surprised. Seeing the house the first time he arrived here, he knew he had only moved to a different kind of hell…

And the man with the kind smile brought him here…

But it didn’t faze him in the least.

There was nothing the world can throw at him that he can’t take… He’s already seen the worst.

“I’m just going to get a glass of water. I haven’t had anything to drink since lunch.” He turned to the door once more.

“Do you have a death wish?” This time Kento had gotten up. “I didn’t give this fat lip to myself.”

“I thought you said it was an accident.”

Kei and Kento had exchanged knowing glances. He gave a frown at that.

“Well, yeah. But you know how he is… His temper is not something you’d want to meet in the dark.”

“I’m going to die if I don’t drink something soon.”

“Please don’t say that word,” Kei had mumbled.

“He’s probably already asleep.” He turned the doorknob, making sure he made no sounds.

“But he’s always in front of the TV. He’ll hear you,” Kento tried to reason with him.

“He’s probably drank too much he can’t.”

“Come back,” both hissed at him but he had gone.

**

“I just wanted a glass of water!” He tried to pull away. His fingers were digging into his arm.

“Didn’t I tell you that no one is allowed to come down after nine?” He had snarled. He could smell the alcohol on him.

“Let go!” Pain was shooting down his arm. He tried to hit him with his other hand.

“You ungrateful bastard, I put a roof over your head and this is how you repay me?” He slammed him against the wall.

“Because I hate it here. And I hate your stupid rules!”

He gave a nasty laugh. “Stupid, huh? Well, this will teach you to never mouth off about it again.”

He grabbed him by the back of his neck and dragged him towards the middle of the living room. Snatching up the lit cigarette on the ashtray, he pulled him towards him.

Kei and Kento both jerked up at the scream that came from downstairs.

**

“He’s crazy. How long have you guys lived with him?”

“Too long,” Kei said, trying to carve something on his bedpost with a spoon.

He regarded them for a while. Kento’s gaunt face shadowed a defeated smile. He was picking at the scar on his arm. He understood perfectly. He’s only been here for a month and it already feels like ten years.

“How can he be so cruel one minute and then the next shower us with food or gifts? And he wants us to call him Uncle Koji? It’s beyond creepy. Why isn’t the orphanage hearing any of this?”

“The orphanage couldn’t care less. They’d be happy to get rid of some of us ‘burdens’. They’ve probably gotten rid of our records just to be safe. Those bastards…” Kei gave up on the post and threw the spoon down on the floor.

The three had stilled at that. Kei had forgotten they shouldn’t be making any noise while they were up here. They were to stay quiet after finishing all their chores. They looked at each other, holding their breaths.

Before they knew it, they could hear him coming up the stairs and soon enough he had kicked the door open, a beer bottle in his hand.

“What did I tell you about thundering around up here?”

“No one’s thundering around. We weren’t doing anything.” When faced with him, Kei and Kento would shrink into their beds but he will never take it lying down. He’s going to fight him no matter what. It could be the frustration he feels that pushes him to do it. Whatever the reason, he knows he’s in for a lot of hurt again.

“What did I tell you about lying?” He took a menacing step.

“No one’s lyi-“

He pulled him up forcefully by one arm, almost dislocating his shoulder. He grunted in pain, shooting a dark glare.

“You’re a stubborn boy. I think I’m going to make good use of my new belt. Hoping the blood won’t ruin it this time.”

He flinched as the drunken bastard pushed his face close to his. He could almost feel the scar on his scalp throb where the buckle had hit him… Blood was everywhere that time… He thrust his chin out, not willing to let him see his fear… He was getting quite good at that…

He was dragged out as Kei and Kento watched helplessly.

**

He lay still on the floor; moving would only cause him excruciating pain. His labored breathing was the only sound in the room. His body trembled and he swallowed hard. He had cried and screamed till his voice was hoarse.

He never cried out. Ever. He’s held it in for years. Each time he felt the belt on his back, he held it in. He won’t give him the satisfaction. But when the bastard had found a new weapon to use against them… It was too much… The whip lashing at him… Burning his skin… Stinging… Over and over again…

His whole being had given up to the pain…

Just wanting it all to end…

Why can’t the vile bastard just end it…

No… That wouldn’t be much fun then…

He heard the door opening. Heard the footsteps coming nearer. It had made his skin crawl everytime. He was nudging him with his foot, telling him to get up and stop acting.

Acting? He calls this acting? Why doesn’t he take a good long look at the open wounds on his back?

He gasped out loud at the ice cold water he threw on him. Even that slight effort drained him. He coughed out loud; the water stinging.

“You really won’t get up? Then you’ll be staying here for the rest of the night. No food. Nothing. You hear me?”

The door slammed shut. He lay there. Staring ahead with a hollow look in his eyes. The tears then started to form. His body gave a jerk. A sound came out his lips. He bit them. Hearing himself sobbing would just make things worse.

But he couldn’t stop it anymore and he felt the tears flow down. The sobs wracking his body. For all the pain… For every lashing… For every moment he was stripped of his dignity… For every fucking moment of his hell…

He had stood in front of the television then. He wasn’t able to stop himself because the person on the news had been none other than Matsumoto Kousaku. And he couldn’t step away. It was the second time he’s laid eyes on him. He’s almost forgotten about that part of his life; the only thing consuming him in the past years was survival.

He’s been a person of interest in a case but he knows that wouldn’t hold up. The beer bottle had hit him in the back. The piece of shit was coming at him, shouting at him. He never liked it when they didn’t listen. And he’d hit him. Right then and there. All the anger rushing to his head. He just wanted to hurt him. Severely. Because he couldn’t do that to Matsumoto.

His hands clenched into fists, shaking with barely controlled rage. The tears kept flowing. He let them. He let it all out.

Because this will be the last time he’ll cry…

Matsumoto.

It was all because of him… He thought he’d never see a way out. But the notion of finding him… Hunting him down… He knew he could do it… He was going to do it… At all cost…

He will end him…

**

“Stop it, Pi! Stop!”

Kento’s voice seemed to penetrate his thoughts this time. He stopped; his hands were still raised in mid-air. Blood running down. His face was void of any emotion as he observed the bloodied “Uncle Koji”.

“I-Is he dead?” Kei asked quietly.

Kento’s shaking hands tried to find a pulse. He swallowed hard. “H-He’s got a pulse.”

He threw down the mantle clock that he’d been using to bludgeon the filth and slowly got to his feet. His chest heaved as he felt free for the first time in four years. It was the last time he’ll think of tormenting them. Tormenting anyone. They had jumped on him when he was planning to teach Kei another one of his “lessons”. They had planned this. Run it through their minds again and again. And now they’ve made it a reality. And it was exhilarating. This sudden rush of being free.

It was the first time they could all breathe easily in years.

“What do we do with him?”

Pi looked down at him, regarding him as nothing more than the dirt on his sneakers. He was even lower than that. “I don’t care. I’m getting out of here.”

“We can’t just leave him like this. What if somebody comes checking?” Kei’s widened eyes tried to find someone who will agree.

“Y-Yeah, Pi. We’re all over the place. They’re going to find us sooner or later,” Kento turned to him. “He isn’t going to be very happy.”

“I’m going.”

The two looked at each other, not knowing what to do. Pi stalked out of the room and headed for the bathroom. He came out moments later, all cleaned up with a change of clothes. Kei and Kento were waiting for him. They walked past the mantle; there was a smiling photo of the four of them. Pi swiped it, jaw clenched. He flung it down on the floor and started stomping on it. His eyes flashing with the rage they’d seen inside.
He soon stopped and instructed them to burn the photo.

He stepped out into the light. The sun almost blinding him. They weren’t used to being outside… He looked back at the two. He probably looked much worse than they did. He gave a nod. It was goodbye for them at this point.

“W-Wait. Shouldn’t we stick together?” Kento blurted out.

Pi didn’t bother to stop walking. He’s got a lot of work ahead of him.

“I’ve got plans of my own. Good luck to both of you.”

They silently watched him go. Out of all three, he was the one who’d changed the most. They couldn’t see even a glimpse of the boy they once knew… He’d retreated so deep into himself they don’t know if he’ll ever be the same…

Then again, that goes for all of them…

They both turned to look back at the place that housed all their horrors… Kei caught Kento’s eyes, reaching a certain understanding. They started to move…

**

He closed the door quietly. He placed an ear to it. He could hear the two officers thundering past outside. He gave a smirk and was about to go before the tenant catches him when the light shriek came from behind. He whirled around, cursing silently. She stood there, her hair still damp from the shower, hugging her bathrobe to her. He turned to go, but the uniforms had come back, debating where he could have gone.

He snapped his head to her, placing a finger on his lips. Asking her not to give him away. He didn’t catch the look she was giving him. The uniforms were still standing outside her door. He caught her gaze this time… The appreciative gaze he was still not used to… No matter how many times he sees it from women… He watched as she put a finger to her lips and slowly made her way towards him. He frowned when she reached over and turned the doorknob, giving him a reassuring wink.

In a matter of seconds, she had sweet-talked the uniforms into thinking she’d seen him run past here and took a jump over the ledge. They were only on the second floor; it wouldn’t be impossible. She’d closed the door and turned to him. He mumbled a thank you and was thinking of going but something in her eyes seemed to be stopping him. He couldn’t help it and his gaze trailed down from her eyes, to her full lips, down her neck to her exposed leg. He could feel something stir in him.

Before they know it, their bodies slammed into each other, their lips meeting in frenzy. She had dropped his pants and he had made her scream as he pounded into her on her dining table. She was a hostess in one of the night clubs. He didn’t bother finding out where. Not even her name. He knew what this was. They’d be meeting up in her apartment every now and then just to find some sort of release. Never did he imagine he’d ever be hooking up with anyone, much less with an older woman.

It would always just be quickies between them though. They never made it once to the bed. He wouldn’t allow it; knowing what he’s gone through. Deep down, he just needed something to make him feel alive for some reason. Even if they were just fleeting moments. Even if it made him feel worse afterwards. Because all of it really means nothing. Just like every moment of his life.

But she had been more than persistent one time. And it had been the last time he’d ever see her. She had tried to take off his shirt; had been confused each time he stopped her. This time she reached for him inside and she had recoiled in slight disgust when she felt the scars on his back. He stood there and let her lift his shirt up to see. Maybe he’s grown tired of this. Maybe he thought she won’t judge… She had looked at him like he had some sort of disease and asked him to leave. Ranting away about perverted abuse or some other crap. He didn’t bother listening as he snatched his jacket up and walked out.

It felt like just another normal day for him.

It was always going to be that way. Countless girls; all nameless and faceless. Each tryst in the dark. They say they want him but when they see the real him… Some could take it, but there is that look in their eyes… But he doesn’t crave for anything more so it works for him. He doesn’t believe in anything more… He would never…

It wasn’t a problem.

No one was really worth it…

No one…

==

That was what he thought…

He buried his head in his hands.

He would never care for it… So he won’t ever hate himself more than he does… He won’t ever feel this pathetic…

But because there was her…

Now he understands, that all those years of shielding himself… Of making it seem like he couldn’t care less… Was brought about by the one thing he’s been truly trying to find…

Just someone to save him…

From this world...

From himself…

His strong denial came from a place of fear… That no one would ever want to…

Would she still want to…?

He could feel the emotions tearing at him again.

Mao watched helplessly as he fought hard to battle his own demons. He was trembling; his muscles taut. She inched closer, her heart going out to him. She reached out a hand; if only he could just let it out… Stop trying to be strong for once… Stop trying to act strong for once… And just let everything flow out… He needs to do that or else his wounds will never heal…

She didn’t want to see him like this… Twisted in pain…

She placed a hand on his shoulder. His head snapped up, turning his face away from her. He pulled away at her touch. She slid forward and had wrapped her arms around him. Wanting to ease his anguish. He struggled weakly against her. The feel of her warmth left him more vulnerable… She gathered him closer, squeezing him, as if telling him to give her his pain… If she could only take it away like that…

He drew in a shattered breath. He placed a hand over his eyes; he had felt the tears.

He couldn’t control them…

He doesn’t want her to see…

He felt her hold loosen. She took his hand and lowered it down. His gaze slowly slid to her; the tears streaking his face. She was crying too. Her face just inches from his; he could see the tears clinging to her lashes. She pulled her legs up to the bed, kneeling beside him. Her arms went around him again and pulled her to him, cradling his head to her. He remained still; he could hear the beat of her heart. Her warmth was drawing him further in; he wanted to lose himself in her. He knew he’d find solace… Sweet solace where everything was right… He would feel none of the pain… Only her…

He would only have her…

He moved his head, closed his eyes and buried his face in the curve of her neck. She felt his tears and held him tighter; as if they could never be close enough. He turned completely towards her, his arms reaching around her waist. He pulled her to him and she answered with her own. Burying her face into his shoulder.

He felt a weakening wash over him… As he threw himself further into her... A sob went through him and they started wracking his body. He closed his eyes tighter, held her closer, taking in all of her. He heard her whimper and he thought he was hurting her… He just wanted to feel her… He started to loosen his hold, but she pulled him tighter once more, as if saying it was okay…

Just hold her like that…

He did and he heard her soft sobbing.

She was crying for him…

Hurting for him…

“It’s okay…,” she then whispered into his ear. “It’s okay…”

She said it over and over again. She knew it wasn’t much but he needed to hear it. They both did…

And somehow…

They believed it will be…

It will be…