Chapter 25: The Ice Melts

“Where the hell have you been these past two days?”

Aiba stood in front of Jun’s desk, his hands in his pockets, head bowed down. He couldn’t look him in the eyes; even Ohno who stood by the side, watching him. Guilt making him unable to face the concern, mixed with grief, at what they suspected of him. Jun had gotten right to it, laying everything they’ve heard as soon as he came in. They never looked further into it, trusting him to tell them everything.

“I’m a grown man. I can do whatever I damn well please. This is my life. You don’t have to get into my business.” His jaw tightened as Jun’s expression grew dark.

“I have to because you’re being an idiot,” Jun stated in an even voice. “How long have you been using?”

Aiba looked away and didn’t answer. Ohno looked like he wanted to say something but he had to calm himself down first. Things might get more heated as it is.

“Nagase is bullshitting about the stolen drugs. I had nothing to do with that. To think you’d even suspect-“

“Don’t turn this around on us,” Jun cut him off. He could see Aiba was trying to keep his temper in check. “All I want to know is how long have you been using? I regret it had to be Nagase to make us take notice. But I didn’t really think you-“

Jun stopped himself. Aiba’s eyes flashed at that. He didn’t need this guilt trip. He didn’t need their pity. Do they even know how hard it is for him? How truly hard it is to face himself everyday of his life? So what if he’d found that this was the only way he can escape it? Escape that haunting feeling, that excruciating pain of knowing he isn’t able to do anything for Yui… He fucking needs this because nothing else can bring him that moment’s relief… That moment where he didn’t have to think… Didn’t have to feel… Everything was just in the wind… Nothing really matters… Just the high that takes him away…

“I need this.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jun’s eyes flashed. He’s had enough. Seeing one of his best friends, his family, doing this to himself… And he had been clueless all this while…

He’s been lying to them, fucking up his life and that’s all he’s going to say? He needs it? And the fact that they are here, wanting to help him, only to have him look at them as if they were the ones trying to destroy what’s left of it…

“Are you trying to kill yourself? Because let me tell you-“ Ohno started.

“You could say that.” Aiba’s eyes slid to Ohno, as if he didn’t have a care. “I already have nothing.”

At that moment, the door opened and Mao stepped in, hearing what he just said. He didn’t look at her, knowing what he’ll see. Even just standing there he knew just what she’s thinking. He had his eyes on the floor again, the frustration in his chest growing. Knowing that whatever Mao is thinking… It would have been what Yui would be thinking too…

If she were here…

“Is eveything true, Aiba?” Her voice was gentle. Caring… No traces of any blame directed at him. She just wanted to know the truth…

It made something snap in him. He didn’t want to hear that from her. He had enough problems with himself as it is; he didn’t need to be handling her softness… Something she fought so hard not to show anymore… But it was there… It had always been there… But so what? It wouldn’t do him any good… Just going to momentarily blind him from something he cannot hide from. Can never hide from…

Why show it now? Why can’t she just go back to pretending to hate them?

“Don’t do this to yourself. Please. You know I don’t have to say it. You know this is so wrong.” He heard her coming up close to him. He pretended to not see her stopping beside him, looking up at him, trying to reach him. “You can’t waste your life away like this. How can you say you have nothing when-“

She looked taken aback at the cool look Aiba gave her. “I’m just doing what you’re doing, Mao.”

Jun and Ohno’s eyes snapped to him. She looked at him, at first unable to comprehend what he was saying. Aiba knew he had to get this out. The weight of this is just too much. It was so obvious in each of them that it’s driving him insane.

“I know what you’re afraid to tell me. That I should let go, move on. Stop wallowing in the past; I still have a lot going on. Because it’s Yui, right? You don’t want to hear yourself saying it.” Aiba’s eyes were glinting dangerously. “You try and tell me this but look at yourself, Mao. Look at what you’re doing to yourself.”

“Aiba…,” Jun started. The warning in his voice.

Mao was looking at Aiba, as if she doesn’t know him really. Aiba took a step towards her. He wasn’t finished and no one is going to stop him. His whole being was shaking but he tried to cover that.

“Look at what you’re doing to us! How long has it been since you actually looked at us, Mao? Huh?” Mao stood her ground, but the lump in her throat was hurting. “So I should be grateful to see you are still concerned about me then? Is that it? I should jump right now at the opportunity to change things just because you are now willing to show you care?”

“You know it isn’t like that.” Her voice shook just a little.

“Because really, having people around that loves you makes everything okay. Shouldn’t you be taking your own advice then?” Aiba ignored Jun’s voice telling him to stop it. “Move on, let go, stop wallowing in the past, Mao! We’re standing right here! We’ve always been standing right here but you choose to ignore that. The man you love, the man who’s willing to do anything for you is standing right in front of you! You know he would never ever hurt you, but you refuse to believe in him! Because you can’t let go!”

“Aiba!” Jun shouted, seeing Mao in too much distress.

Aiba ignored him. “You can’t let go of what happened in the past! You can’t forget! Well, I can’t too, Mao and you know that! Aren’t you wasting your life away too by pulling away from everyone who cares about you? Aren’t you hurting yourself, hurting everyone around you just because you can’t pull yourself out of the pain? Telling yourself this life, the people in it, we, caused you everything? You’re not allowing anyone in! You built the wall around you yourself. But I get you, Mao. I do. And I thought you of all people will understand what I’m going through. It’s drugs for me. It’s this life for you.”

“We’re both pretending we have nothing. Just so we don’t have to face ourselves. How about that? So when you’re ready to move on, maybe I will think about it.”

“That’s enough.” Jun said, his voice shaking slightly.

The tears burned in the back of her eyes. Her chin quivered. Aiba was looking at her, trying to mask his own emotions after that outburst. He then tore his gaze away from her, taking a deep breath.

“Enough is right. All of this…” He shook his head; not knowing whether to laugh or cry. “I would have thought that seeing what happened to Yui… What happened to me… You’d make the most of every minute… And seeing the two of you just-“

“You think I’m the only fucked up one here?” He gave a helpless laugh. He looked around at all of them. “This right here is every bit fucked up.”

His eyes glistened; giving them one last look and turned around. He stalked out, having almost pulled the door off its hinges. The look Ohno gave them before he went off to talk some sense into Aiba was heartbreaking. Conveying that what they he had said cannot be denied…

Mao stood there, her eyes on the floor, looking like the wind was knocked out of her. Jun weakly took a seat, a faraway look in his eyes. He covered his eyes with a hand, unable to make himself look at her right now. The words they’ve heard… Deep in his heart he knew those were his words as well…

He could feel her eyes on him…

After a moment more, he knew she’d left the room…

He took away his hand, looking at the door. The anguish burning inside him.

Aiba was right. They were every bit as fucked up as he is…

He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. Feeling all the strength he tries to hold on to leaving him.

Finding himself in another one of those brief momentary weaknesses…

Of thinking he should give up on her…

Just give up on the hope of ever having her back…

**

“I just want to know where on earth he got the money for the bar.”

Mao looked up at her jie. Mei was walking with the basket of food in her hands while she carried the second one. They were making their way towards their camp; kids’ voices could be heard ahead. A few of the volunteers were trying to keep the raucous down. The outdoors was doing wonders to their energy.

They were finally on that proposed trip they’ve been planning. She’d helped finalized it the past few days, which was a big help in distracting her. She had kept all thoughts of the incident with Aiba at bay but in her solitary moments, they still manage to creep up on her… Further pushing her over the edge… Confusion, frustration, helplessness… Once in a while she feels a jolt of these emotions, catching her off guard.

But even with the pressing thoughts, she didn’t fail to notice her jie had been a bit withdrawn. Ever since the time Ge had whisked her off for a surprise. Though she tries hard to hide it. She had asked how the surprise went, not really expecting to be asking at all. She would have thought her jie wouldn’t be able to keep it in, gushing about it as soon as they saw each other. But her answer was vague, less than enthusiastic; claiming it wasn’t much of a surprise so there really wasn’t much to say. Sensing she wasn’t ready to talk about it, whatever it was, she didn’t pursue it anymore. Sensitive to such moments…

But it was worrying her, her usual sunny disposition was nowhere to be seen. Something she could always count on. She thought right now would be a good opportunity to try to find out the reason. She had carefully asked if anything happened lately. She hadn’t seen Ge in a while now… Her jie had hesitated at first, then admitted there was something troubling her.

“But I don’t want to burden you with our problems…” Mei had said.

“Don’t think like that.”

“It’s just that I know you’ve always had a lot on your mind… Even if you don’t say it.” She gave her a small understanding smile.

She knew the feeling… She didn’t think her jie should go around knowing and worrying about her situation. It was something she could live without. She thought of it as protecting her somehow…

Mao smiled back. “I’m sorry… I’m just really worried…”

She took solace in knowing that their world was just right… Just as it should be… And seeing something might be jeopardizing that… She didn’t want to think about it really…

Mei gave her a softened look. She knew Mao had always loved the two of them. Loved what they have. Her concern stemmed from something deeper… She knew she really wanted to know… And right now, having a friend to listen to her was what she needed as well…

And she couldn’t ignore that nagging fear that’s growing day by day…

So she finally told her what the surprise was. That day, Jay had taken her to a bar that was still under renovation. She had looked at him, a little confused as he started to explain why they were there.

It was going to be their bar. A music bar they were going to manage. It was going to be big. The main point is to cater solely to unknown musicians, giving them a chance to showcase their talents. He hasn’t had any luck with his own path but that wasn’t going to stop him from giving someone else a shot at their own dreams. Mei had watched him excitedly going on and on about everything. Where they were setting up the stage, how big it was going to be, how people will be clamouring to get in once they’re finished with the place... Just a lot of big plans. His face shining as he enveloped her in a bear hug, unable to wait to start another new chapter in their lives. Wanting to prove soon just what he can do.

Mei had tried hard to share his enthusiasm. His eagerness. But she couldn’t seem to make herself do it. Watching the wide smile sweeping his face like that, she felt the guilt. But she couldn’t ignore the questions burning in her mind… Particularly the one concerning the money part. Where will he get the funds? That’s what she had asked cautiously. The question didn’t dampen his excitement; she didn’t think anything could at the moment. He had just asked her to trust him and then went off into more of his plans.

She trusted him. She wanted to trust him in this situation. But the nagging doubt… She had voiced her concern again about the money the very next day, and everyday after. It was something he didn’t appreciate; she should trust him. He’s got it all covered. It always led to them fighting. Why can’t he tell her the exact details then, she’d ask. And he’d go off into an angry tirade about how she never really believed he could do something worthwhile. That she never really believed he could be successful. Something that hurt her more than the fact he wasn’t willing to tell her the truth. The problem just weighed on her; she couldn’t shake off the feeling that Jay had gotten himself involved in something dangerous…

“He actually told me he can’t believe I can’t be happy for him. That he’s finally taken a step up.” Mao watched as Mei bitterly shook her head. “He can’t expect me to be behind him for this. I don’t know what he’s been doing. None of it feels right…”

Mao bit her lip in concern. Ge is acting way off… Jie had every right to be concerned. But the pressure he feels… It might have pushed him into taking things a little too far… Just so he can feel like he’s doing something right…

“Do you think he…” Mao’s voice trailed off. Unwilling to hear it out loud.

“It’s the only explanation I can think of… But how can he do that… It’s too-“ Mei gave a frustrated sigh, shifting the basket in her hands. How can he associate himself with those kinds of people? Borrowing money from them… It always comes at a heavy price…

Twigs snapped under their feet as they neared the camp. Mao looked up at her jie’s profile again. She didn’t want to see her like this.

“I could- I could ask someone to look into it,” she plunged on. She didn’t want to have to resort to that but the sooner they know…

Mei looked at her; the gratitude in her eyes. “Thank you… But not just yet… I’m hoping I can convince him to finally be straight with me… I don’t want him to know I’m having him investigated…”

Mao gave a nod. “I’m just here whenever you need me.”

Mei gave her a smile. One of her usual smiles she hadn’t seen for a while.

“Anyway, let’s forget about him for a while,” she suggested, still a little sore at their fight this morning. “The kids are the stars of the day.”

They grinned at each other as they walked into the camp. Soon they were being surrounded by some of those stars, asking what they were having for lunch. Hotdogs, was what Mei had announced and everyone cheered.

They took out the packages as soon as they set the baskets down on the table. Once in a while, warning kids not to take anything just yet. They were all going to have lunch together, at the same time.

Mao was happily joking with the kids when Pi walked by, carrying a stack of wood. His beanie pulled low. He always had this air of melancholy about him. It had been a while since she last had any direct interaction with him. Her concern for Aiba pushed other things aside momentarily. Her eyes followed him as he went. But she was then jolted back as the kids squealed happily when some of the guards brought the ice cream to them.

She and Mei chuckled at that as they almost took down one of the guards in their excitement. Her eyes went back to him. And then as if realizing what she was doing snapped back to what was in front of her.

She just couldn’t help it, can she? What is it about him…? She was so concerned he couldn’t move on from something… Aiba had been right… What did she know about moving on…? Wasn’t she the one still holding on to the past? Then why does she think she could help him? When she couldn’t even do something about herself…

Her eyes involuntarily went to him again. He had thrown the wood down on the ground with the pile. Yuki had come up to him and they started to talk. Or better yet, Yuki started to talk while he pretended he doesn’t hear him.

She sighed inwardly. Maybe helping him really is all about saving herself… She just made it out to be this grand gesture on her part… Maybe the reason why she wanted him to move on… Wanted to see him want to move on… Face whatever he’s avoided for all his life… Is because maybe then she’ll learn something from him…

Maybe she knew in her heart she couldn’t make herself want it… She just needed to see someone like him want it… Maybe she too would have the courage…

Aiba was right… About not letting go… But what he didn’t know… That it was more of the pain she caused… Not what was done to her… She couldn’t bring herself to admit that everyday she had been bringing grief to all of them, including herself… The thought had been buried deep in her heart… Aiba’s words had just woken it up inside her…

She never wanted things to end up like this… She only just wanted to get away… Be alone with her thoughts… Let her think… If only Jun had let her go that time… Would things have been different for them now…? She can’t exactly say…

But she knew it wouldn’t be anything like this…

So what should she do now…?

But that wasn’t important at the moment when her eyes slid to Yuki, suddenly realizing something. Ami. Where was Ami? She would normally be by Yuki’s side. She started looking around for her. She hadn’t heard Ami’s voice chirping out though. Asking if she could eat whatever it is she might find.

She turned to Mei. “Jie, have you seen Ami?”

“The last time I saw her she was with Yuki.”

“I saw her going over there just now!” Akira said, pointing obscurely towards some point near the lakeshore. Something must have caught her attention there.

“Thanks,” she ruffled his hair. Having only a handful of volunteers watch over the kids wasn’t easy. She better go and get her. She quickly broke out of their group and made her way towards the lake. Two of the guards made to go with her when she asked them to stay. They’re needed more with the kids. She then started half-jogging.

She caught the attention of the two who looked like they were having an engaging conversation. Pi’s eyes followed her back when Yuki suddenly pulled hard on his jacket. He snapped his eyes down to him; Yuki’s eyes were narrowed in suspicion.

“And you said you’re not looking. Well, what are you doing now?” He demanded.

“It’s my job.”

“Your job? That’s such a lousy excuse.”

“What is it about bodyguard you don’t get?”

“A bodyguard doesn’t look at whatever they’re guarding like that!”

“Like what? What are you talking about?” This kid really had too much imagination. But a part of him felt a slight worry. What does this kid see when he looks at her? Honestly, he doesn’t even know it himself… Doesn’t want to find out really… Afraid of what it could be…

“I don’t know how you do it!” Yuki rolled his eyes. Then thought about giving him a visual. “It’s kinda like this, you know…”

Pi watched as he worked his face. Squinting his eyes once in a while. Apparently, both of them didn’t know what he was doing.

“You look constipated.”

He then turned to go.

“Well, that’s your look. Not mine!” Yuki started following him, hitching up his backpack. “Just that you have this really soft look in your eyes. And it’s as if you want her to look at you. To see you.”

That brought him to a stop. And to a sort of panic. He turned to him, after dragging his gaze away from where he saw her disappear. “Look, kid. You’ve obviously imagined me to be some sort of rival for you so you’re making things up. My advice: Stop it. No one’s going to take her away from you, okay?”

“Of course I know that,” he replied arrogantly to Pi’s back. And then muttered to himself, “I wouldn’t even worry about it if I hadn’t seen Sensei looking at you like that too.”

“What’s that?” Pi asked, glancing back at him.

“Nothing. I just said maybe your constipated look might just turn Sensei away,” he smirked.

Pi ignored that. “So go and bother someone else for a change. Where’s your friend?”

Yuki looked around for Ami. “Should be here some place. I told her to go find Sensei. Hey, that’s not the way to get firewood. Are you going to follow Sensei?”

Pi gave a strangled look. He was just trying to avoid that big branch blocking his way. “Of course not. I’m not her stalker. That’s you, right?”

“Ha-ha. Funny. I’ll just keep an eye on you for a while more.”

Pi shook his head. Yuki followed behind, his eyes on him, trying to figure him out. Unable to shake off the feeling that there was more to Sensei and him…

**

“Ami?”

“I found him!” Ami’s voice rang out.

Her heart jumped to her throat. Ami was sitting in a small rowboat, holding something in her hand, beaming. The boat was still slowly drifting away.

Mao ran towards the wooden dock. Her feet taking her to Ami as fast as they could. She called to her, “Ami, what happened? Why are you in the boat?”

“I was following him and he jumped inside!” Ami brought up the frog in her hands. “I told him I wanted him to meet Mr. Tortoise! That way Mr. Tortoise can have a new friend!”

Mao reached the end of the dock. That boat should have been tied properly. She pushed her hair off her face, trying to see how deep the water was. Ami was almost drifting off to the middle.

“Ami, I want you to stay still, okay? I’m going to come and get you. Just don’t move.”

Ami nodded happily. “I thought we could go on a trip first so we can get to know each other better. That way I will know if he’s a right friend for Mr. Tortoise.”

Mao was taking off her cardigan, panic starting to rise. Ami was starting to fidget around as the frog was trying to jump out her hands.

“Ami, don’t move. Just stay still. Don’t-“

“No! Mr. Tortoise’s friend!”

“Ami, don’t-!”

Ami had gone into the water, jumping after the frog. Mao shouted for help, shouted as loud as she can. She hoped her voice would carry. Cold water soon surrounded her as she dove in. She burst out of the water, swimming directly towards Ami who was splashing around, panicking as the water weighed her down.

She had reached her finally, almost out of breath. The cold was getting to her. She fought to keep her head clear. Ami’s panic still hasn’t subsided. She was still flailing and kicking. Mao took her by the waist, telling her soothingly that she’s got her now. Everything was going to be okay. She then felt a sharp pain as Ami’s elbow connected with the side of her head.

The dizziness came instantly. Her mind felt like it was floating. Her hold on Ami has loosened; the cries seemed far away now… She didn’t know where she was… A certain calm coming over her… She didn’t feel cold anymore… Fighting against it just made it worse, she now knows… Right now, as everything slipped away from her… She recognized it…

Peace…

She felt at peace…

She wanted to hold on to that…

She felt it pulling her… Pulling her further into that feeling… And she welcomed it… Everything around her went hazy…

She was slowly falling…

Fading…

Soon, there will be nothing to hurt her anymore…

Soon…

**

“Oh my god!”

Pi tore towards the dock. He was vaguely aware there were others behind him, all crying out. All his energy, all his thoughts were concentrated on the spot where she had been just a second ago.

Her shouts echoed around and in an instant he was flying towards the direction she took. He heard the kid crying for the others to hurry. His heart pounded painfully in his chest, remembering the fear in her voice.

He’d reached the shore, quickly scanning around and saw her with the girl in the lake. In the kid’s panic, she had hurt her and saw her holding steady for a while before slipping under. They were losing the kid too.

Their feet pounded on the wooden dock. He’d taken off his jacket midway and threw it down. He felt the water and heard a couple more splashes around him. He gritted his teeth, swimming with all his strength; his muscles reaching their limit.

It felt like they would never reach them.

He dove under, reached forward and instantly grabbed the first to come in contact with his hands. He surfaced, clutching her close to him, holding her head carefully above water. He saw two of the guards swimming away now with the little girl. One of them looked back to see if he’s secured her. He gave a nod, his eyes raking over her pale face, and made his way back. His ears still pounding and his heart feeling like it was about to burst.

**

“Mao!” Mei called out, rushing to her side. Tears glistening in her eyes.

He’d carried her out of the water and laid her on the ground. The guards tried to stop the others from crowding around. His hands shook slightly, his breathing heavy as he brushed away the hair from her face. Her body lifeless. Her face drained of all color. He instantly started performing CPR.

He was unaware of the noises around him. They seemed to be calling for her to wake up. His eyes were trained on her face; still unconscious. His heart felt like it was going to come out of his chest. Something painful was in his throat. He placed his mouth over hers, breathing in. He straightened up, starting the chest compressions once more. All the while watching for any signs of life. His mind was shouting for her to come to. To open her eyes.

Just open her eyes.

“Come on, come on!” He muttered, teeth gritted. Mei was watching Mao closely, praying for her to be alright.

He swore under his breath and swooped down; his mouth over hers. Breathing life into her. He felt the panic as she still wasn’t coming to. He was about to lean down again when she suddenly coughed the water out, her eyes snapping open.

A huge wave of relief washed over everyone around as a strangled cry of happiness came from Mei.

He stared down at her, all his energy, his adrenaline now seeping away. Her hand suddenly clamped onto his wrist as she coughed some more looking around her, dazed. He watched, swallowing painfully, as she blinked up, her eyes unfocused. She still wasn’t letting go of his wrist. He made a sudden movement but caught himself when Mei put her palm on the side of her cheek, telling her she’s safe now.

She and Ami were being carried off on stretchers, followed by sniffing kids and volunteers. He looked at the ground where she had laid for a while, then slowly got up. The pounding was still in his ears.

“Thank you,” Mei said quietly, the warm smile on her lips.

He nodded mutely. She gave him one last grateful look and turned to go.

He stayed back, looking at the spot on the ground again. Remembering the life coming back to her.

He drew in a shaky breath.

The overwhelming relief he felt weakened him to his core…

**

Pi looked at her cabin door. Contemplating whether he should just knock and then leave the basket of food by her door. That way he wouldn’t have to face her. He looked around as if somehow there will be a sign telling him what he should do.

He had found a spot where he could eat alone, away from the campfire and from the people. Somewhere no one will be able to bother him. The downside to that was the events from earlier kept replaying in his head. And whatever he felt that came with it… His food was left untouched as he tried to comprehend the grave fear he felt when she laid there in front of him; unmoving, pale as a ghost…

As if the idea of losing her…

He was saved from his thoughts when the kid appeared at his side again. He thought he was there to annoy him about something but then the kid was at his most serious, thanking him for saving his Sensei. He had looked at the kid in a new light; he was alright. Then explaining to him it was all part of the job description. Something the kid had scoffed at and pointed out he had looked scared half to death then. Even right now still. He had no chance to rebuke that when Miss Mei had called to them, carrying with her a basket of food. She had softened at him considerably after rescuing Mao and had suggested he take Mao’s dinner to her. He wasn’t sure about that, the kid was protesting strongly too, saying he could bring it instead. Miss Mei shushed him softly. She would have wanted to take it to her herself, but she thought it would be better if he did. She knows Mao would want to thank him personally.

And here he was… Maybe if he had protested as strongly as the kid did, he could have gotten out of it. Though he knew Miss Mei was already decided.

He stood there for a while longer. And then took a deep breath, finally deciding to brave it. He can give her the food and then just leave right away. That’s a plan. He rapped a hand on the door. His heart was slowly starting to race when he heard her coming to the door.

But when the door swung open, whatever plan he came up with, if that can even be called a plan, all was forgotten as his eyes fell on her. She stood there, an oversized sweater wrapped around her, her hair falling softly, framing her face. Which now had the color he wanted to see in them. She still looked a little wan but he could see the slight pinkish tinge on her cheeks. Her eyes were more alive now, though still drooping a little from exhaustion. Her lips now had-

He immediately snapped back to her eyes. Just realizing she was saying something.

“They told me what happened…,” he heard her say. “Thank you. Just thank you. I don’t know what else to say. That’s the second time you’ve saved me.”

That unfamiliar warmth was creeping up on him as she gave him the softest smile.

“Next time just ask for help. Jumping in like that could have caused both of your lives.”

Mao seemed to be biting back a response to that. She gave another smile, as if reminding herself of something. “I’ll remember that the next time I want to stand around and do nothing while someone’s in danger.”

“Good. So I don’t have to save you anymore.”

“Wouldn’t dream of taking you away from more important matters.”

They stood there without another word. Mao peeked up at him. He looked as cool as ever. Not knowing what was going through him at that moment. He seemed to be struggling with something and covered that by wordlessly handing her the basket containing her dinner. As soon as she took it, he turned around to leave.

She watched his back. As usual, she was left with confusing thoughts about his attitude. He isn’t really that cold… is he…? She looked surprised when he suddenly stopped in his tracks, as if giving something some thought, before turning around to face her again.

“Just… Just be careful next time.”

It was the gentlest she’s ever seen him. She had stared a moment as if mesmerized by this side of him and then shook herself mentally.

“I-I will.”

“Please stop putting yourself in situations where I have to save you.” It was almost like an earnest plea, hidden behind a snarky remark. And it truly is just that. Facing her again, he’s confirmed something to himself. He didn’t like the idea of losing her… It was crazy… It was ridiculous… But it was what he was feeling…

Lose her…?

It’s not as if she’s his to begin with… But the only warmth he’s ever known… the only warmth that’s ever penetrated his heart…

He can’t lose that…

He just can’t…

Mao seemed resigned at the fact he’s always going to have a snide remark ready at the next instant.

“Then let the others save me. You can just hang back. I promise I won’t hold it against you.”

His lips gave a sad quirk. The problem was he wants to save her… She just makes him want to save her… And he can’t stop himself… The indescribable expression on his face left her curious. He turned to go, leaving her a whole lot more confused.

He kept walking, seeming to want to put as much distance as he can between them. That could have gone a lot worse… Though he couldn’t be so sure... After that realization…

He still hasn’t reeled back from it, to even form a solid plan on what he was going to do next… This was something he can’t deny anymore… Unable to fathom how he ever allowed that to happen… He rolled his shoulders unconsciously… Does someone like him even have the right to feel it…

His head snapped up. Someone was coming up the path. He carefully took a look round the corner.

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath. He looked around and moved quickly.

**

Jun rounded the corner. He thought he heard someone, checking the surroundings. He let it go as soon as Mao’s cabin came into view. He was at the door now, knocking. Not knowing how she’d react seeing him here. Unhappily was what he predicted. But he was making it a point to spend as much time with her as possible. He didn’t care that they were on a tight schedule and have decided to go all the way up here to surprise her. Though he knows he never gets the desired result from these surprises, still… He misses her…

He’d then received word of what happened here just as he was getting ready. And it made him want to see her more. He needed to know that she’s really alright. It felt like it had taken forever to arrive here.

The door swung open.

“Is there a snide remark you forgot to leav-“

Mao’s wide eyes stared at him, forgetting the rest of her words. Her eyes went from him to his guard carrying an overnight bag and then back to him once more.

“Snide remark? What’s that all about?” He gave a small smile, waiting for her eyes to cloud over. It was what he was used to. Mao snapped to it. To his surprise and slight relief, she didn’t seem to be too resentful that he has appeared on her front step.

“I-It’s nothing. What are you doing here?”

“I needed a break.” He gave a shrug. He looked at her reaction; she still seemed a bit thrown off. He knew exhaustion must be a factor. What she experienced… He took a step forward. His hand reached for her face but he stopped himself.

“Are you alright?”

She nodded wordlessly. Jun had taken another tentative step forward, looking down at her in concern. She still looked a little pale. He gently pulled her sweater tighter around her. She looked up at him, tense, but she didn’t pull away.

He took it as a good sign.

“Can I come in?” He softly asked.

She knew what he meant. She seemed hesitant at first but then she gave another nod in the end. She didn’t meet his gaze and stepped inside. Jun took the bag from his guard and closed the door. She had disappeared into her room as soon as he turned around. He made his way towards the small couch, dropping his bag on the floor. He heard her door opening and she stepped out with an extra pillow and blanket. She placed it down on the couch. Jun then stopped her when she was about to go back.

His hands slid down her arms to her hands, holding on to them. She tried to pull away, her head down.

“Mao, is everything really okay?” As happy as he was to see her not pushing him away or avoiding him at all cost… He knew something was troubling her. She wasn’t trying that hard to let him know she didn’t want to see him.

No, everything was not okay. After the incident in the lake, she now realizes just how much time she’s given up on. She’s been living all this while like it was a burden to be alive. Yes, she gave in to that feeling… That feeling of peace she longed so hard for… It was tempting… Really tempting… But when she came to, seeing everything around her, feeling everything around her… That peace wasn’t worth it… She wanted to be able to find it for herself… Not because she had no choice… She wanted it to be on her terms…

And seeing Jun standing right in front of her after an incident like that, it just made it all the more clear… She wanted it to end now… She didn’t want them to waste anymore time… No more tears, no more anguish… No more… And she needed to work hard on that… She needed to be stronger for that…

Mao shook her head and met his gaze. The softness and concern in them… She fought not to be affected at first… But then… She has really decided…

“How’s Aiba?”

Jun gave her hands a squeeze. She was willing to look at him now. Just this moment was enough to make him regret all those times he thought of giving up. How could he...?

“I’ve talked to him. He’s going into rehab whether he likes it or not. Everything’s going to work out… We’re behind him on this.”

He went on. “About the last time, Mao… I think we-“

“Should talk soon, right?”

Jun nodded. He let go of her hands slowly and then cupped her face; She seemed to look paler now. His eyes roamed over her. Was it just the exhaustion that’s leaving her meeker than usual?

“I think you should go and rest now,” Jun suggested.

She nodded. She was about to go when Jun stopped her. His eyes fixed on her. She couldn’t seem to look away. His gaze slowly went to her lips and then back to her eyes again. She almost couldn’t breathe. He leaned down and gave her a kiss on the forehead, lingering for a while as he took in the scent of her hair. She slowly closed her eyes. He pulled back.

“Good night,” he said and Mao went back to her room without another word.

He stood there looking at her closed door. Not really understanding what was happening. Mao was more compliant than she ever was… And he had missed that, almost unable to control himself. He wanted to kiss her so much… But he didn’t know what to make of the situation just yet.

He continued to stand there. Hope and fear clashing inside him…

**

Pi moved away from the window. His jaw tightening as he made his way. He shouldn’t have come back. What the hell made him come back?

Matsumoto?

Matsumoto coming here for her…?

He jammed his hands inside his jacket pockets. Shouldn’t she have turned him away? Why would she allow him to spend the night under the same roof? The image of them inside the living room coming back to him; Matsumoto’s lips on her… He walked through some branches, showering him with leaves, but he didn’t seem to notice.

Why is she allowing him in again…?

He didn’t like what it could mean…

Not realizing that his frustration had nothing to do with its effect on his plans…