“What do you mean you can’t get out of it?”
“I mean I can’t get out of it,” Hye repeated herself on the other line.
“How long does it take to get a freaking pipe done?” Pi asked. Patience wasn’t on his mind this morning. He loosened his tie and looked back to check if anyone was coming.
“Where is all this coming from?” Hye implied at his shiny attitude.
“You know why. Do I have to send you a picture?” He’s already told her yesterday about a sudden change in her attitude. He didn’t want to take any risks. They had to act fast or else… Or else… He took a deep breath.
He pursed his lips. This frustration… How does one deal with something like this? How does anyone deal with it?
“Just wing it first then.”
“Are you holding out on me?” Pi narrowed his eyes in suspicion.
“You know I will never do that.” She sounded hurt at the accusation. He wasn’t fooled. She’s up to something…
“What’s this really about?”
“Look, you’ve obviously already...,” She tried to think of a word that won’t generate a violent reaction. “…bonded- Don’t interrupt me- with her and I think the connection is just as effective. Until I find the time, okay?”
“This is supposed to be your part, Hye.” He didn’t know if he can do this… Not when he feels he’s too compromised…
“I know that. But since you’re already in as well… I think she’s learned to take your attitude a lot better now. Which is good. You just have to work some more in order to convince her she’s going to do a lot better on our side.” He could hear the grin in her voice.
“Are you even taking this seriously?”
“Pi, do you know what I get when she talks to me? I think you are making her see things in a different perspective. And not in a good way, when it comes to your plan. She doesn’t tell me exactly but seeing you, with all your dark, brooding, me-against-the-world attitude, she’s seriously disturbed about it. I think it’s making her realize that she doesn’t want to turn into you. You know all alone and just… sad…” Hye finished. “Forgive me if I don’t tweak my words.”
“Yeah, shocking.”
“So I think you have the obligation to make her see you in a different light. Technically, you’re the reason we have to work extra hard.”
“How did you come up with all this anyway?” He asked, seriously annoyed. He didn’t think there was any way he could get out of this. But she could just be bluffing.
“I called her up yesterday. And she mentioned you-“
“She did?” He was unable to stop himself. What the hell is this?
“Whoa, whoa.” Hye joked, implying his excitement. Pi wasn’t amused. “Not really you directly but it wasn’t too hard to figure out. Your attitude is very distinct. She didn’t really mention anything about almost drowning… But I think she’s come to some realizations after that… Coming from something that serious, I would imagine…”
“Realizations?” It wasn’t too late, was it?
“And I got to know what the kabugi is about!” Hye sounded ecstatic, forgetting about more pressing matters. She’s been very persistent in asking what’s up with the turtle but he didn’t want her to know. He knew she’d be coming up with her own interpretations. “Awww… it’s so cute. She has a little nickname for you. I have to meet Mr. Tortoise!”
“Hye…” She was really testing him.
Hye gave a kind chuckle and turned solemn. “Pi, you can do this. I know everything feels scary to you right now, but trust me; the best thing here is for you to help her. Stop fighting this.”
“What are you talking about?” He didn’t like that she could be implying something.
“You don’t think I noticed?” There was a smile in her voice. “It’s going to do both of you a lot of good. Oh, Ji Hoon’s here. I gotta go.”
“Ji Hoon?” His voice filled with disbelief. “Why can’t you people understand what low profile means-“
She hang up on him. He looked at the phone incredulously. There really was no contest when it comes to Ji Hoon. He pocketed it and stared ahead pensively. What is she getting at? She’s given him more thoughts that are adding to his confusion. How can he be the best candidate to help her? When he doesn’t really know what he’s doing half the time? Something that’s really out of character.
He moved his feet, rounding the corner to get to the front doors when he froze in his tracks.
He’s here?
The guard pulled open the car door for Matsumoto. He stood there, buttoning up his suit, looking around. He headed for the doors, followed by a couple of his men carrying a fruit basket and two others containing goodies and a lot of sugar for the kids. They’d be eating that up. He felt annoyed at how resentful he was at the gesture. His jaw tightened when Matsumoto’s eyes fell on him. He looked at him for a second and to his surprise, headed instead for him.
“Yamashita,” he greeted.
He gave a short bow. What did he want?
Matsumoto stood in front of him. He tried to keep his expression in check. His supposed boss might find it odd if he looked like he wanted nothing more than to give him what he deserved. He stared at the hand he held out.
“I didn’t get the chance to say this yesterday. Thank you for saving her.”
His eyes snapped to him, totally caught off guard. But there seemed to be something wrong in accepting thanks from the one person he wanted to destroy. He reached out his hand.
Jun carefully observed Yamashita as they shook hands. Grateful as he is, he couldn’t shake off that slight resentment he feels towards him. If it was anyone else, he wouldn’t be feeling the faintest inkling of dislike. The man saved Mao, for God’s sake. But he hadn’t forgotten Mao’s words about him from before… And of course, she’s going to feel a whole lot safer again with him around. He felt like a teenage boy holding a ridiculous grudge. But he just can’t shake it of…
“Thank you again,” he said sincerely. He let go and turned right around towards the doors. He knew he couldn’t wait to see her.
He watched as he disappeared inside. He looked down at his hand. He didn’t think his desire to take him down can grow even deeper… His eyes went to the doors again.
**
“Awww, Ami, it’s alright. You don’t have to hug me forever. I’m here, okay?” Mao slid down to be eye to eye with Ami.
Ever since the trip, Ami would always want her by her side, hugging her tight. This way Sensei wouldn’t be going anywhere. Mao knew she somehow feels like everything is her fault. She told her gently that next time both of them should be more careful so they won’t ever lose each other. Ami nods furiously at that and holds her tighter.
“I think Ami’s idea isn’t so bad.”
Mao’s head snapped up to Jun’s voice. He stood there by the door, smiling a bit unsurely. Ami beamed up at him. She’s always liked him. Mao slowly stood up, watching the guards carrying the baskets in. They filed back out after placing them on the tables. All the kids have stopped playing around and excitedly went to the gifts. Wanting to get first pick at the sweets inside.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“A visitor should always come bearing gifts,” Jun said, walking towards her. Ami was still beaming up at him. He ruffled her hair and squatted down.
“Do you want to meet Mr. Tortoise, Mr. Jun?” Ami asked, her eyes shining.
“Yeah, I would like that.” He grinned at her.
Ami then ran to the windowsill. Jun stood up, his eyes on Mao. She was smiling at Ami. When she turned around though, her smile faded a little.
“It’s been a while since I had your drawing lessons. I’m afraid to imagine what I’m going to come up with this time.”
She didn’t seem to be too bothered at that. He could breathe easily now and smiled. Their attention then turned to Ami, who was holding a shell in her hand. Telling Jun to say hi to Mr. Tortoise.
Pi stood by the door, unnoticed. He watched as Jun turned the shell in his hand, wondering if there really was a turtle in there. The small smile on her lips… It was alarming… He had never seen her smile again with him around…
“Yeah…” He heard a sigh beside him. He looked down. Of course, who else could it be? The little man with the ever present backpack. He had a juice box in his hand. “I don’t get it too. Why Ami likes that guy.”
Pi smirked. Was he that obvious?
“Here I am slaving for her and she introduces Mr. Tortoise to him.” The kid shook his head, indicating to the juice box.
“I would have thought you’d be more affected he’s here to see your Sensei.”
“I don’t feel threatened by him anymore,” the kid shrugged. “Although…”
Pi shifted a bit. Had he seen what he was seeing as well?
“Are you?” He looked up at him, all wise and knowing.
“So it’s really Ami, huh? You’re just using your Sensei to make her jealous? Make her notice you?” He had to divert the kid’s attention.
“Of course not!” He said, getting all defensive. “I just… I’m not letting her out of my sight anymore. It’s my fault they got into an accident… I shouldn’t have left her alone. I’m going to stay by her side always.”
Pi looked down at the kid. He really was alright.
“So what do you do about Matsumoto then? Seems like he’s all she sees.” Wait a minute… Is he actually trying to get some sort of advice? From a kid? Now he’s seen everything.
“I’m going to show him that I am the only one Ami needs.” He pointed conspiratorially at the juice box. As if it holds the key to everything. “I’m the only one who can get her her favourite grape juice.”
He watched as the kid walked in, all important. Showing off the juice box so Ami would notice. So much for that… He turned to go; the class was about to start. But not before seeing Ami’s face light up as the kid gave her her grape juice, Matsumoto totally forgotten.
**
The scratching of pencils and crayons, the random outbursts of random questions from kids, asking to go to the bathroom; Jun looked around, smiling. He had missed this experience. It’s been a while since he last sat in her class. A really long while. He missed just being away from the real world just diving into the kids’ world of dragons and… poop. One of the kids just told the class he needed to go.
He sat at the back of the class, next to Yuki, his mortal enemy. Or at least that’s what the kid thinks. He didn’t seem too keen on having him as a seatmate and he didn’t really try to hide it. Telling him time and again not to cross the imaginary line to his desk. He’d humour him; purposely leaning in too close once in a while.
“Sssh… Concentrate.” Jun placed a finger on his lips. Yuki stopped complaining and glared at him.
They were to draw their experiences during their two day trip. Everyone was excited, chatting up their seatmates, asking what they were drawing. Some tried to change theirs when they thought their seatmates’ idea was cooler.
Yuki peeked at his work and snorted. He narrowed his eyes at him and looked down at it. There was nothing wrong with his drawing. Okay, not really nothing… He took out a blue crayon from the box. His eyes went to Mao, who had gone down the aisle to check on some of the work. His eyes stayed on her until she looked up and their gazes locked. He could see her lips quirking, probably amused at the sight of a grown man, holding a crayon, trying not to let his seatmate see his work. His heart gave a shout of joy at that. He turned back to his project.
“What is that?” Yuki asked loudly in a not-so-kind voice, smirking.
Jun looked down at his work again. The blue just made it worse. “It’s…”
Mao had come up to their desks and took a peek.
“I can’t draw for shit.” The words just slipped out of him.
“Ah!” Yuki pointed at him accusingly, shaking a finger at him, looking to Mao, who was frowning at Jun. “Sensei, did you hear what he said?”
“What?” Jun pretended nothing happened. “What did I say?”
“You said ‘shit’!”
Yuki clamped his hands on his mouth, eyes wide. It was Jun’s turn to point the finger.
“He said it too!”
“Okay, we don’t say shi-“ Mao stopped herself before it was too late. Jun and Yuki was pointing to her now, eyes wide. She looked around hoping the rest of the class were still distracted.
Jun gave a laugh as Yuki grudgingly followed. Mao shook her head, helplessly but gave a small chuckle.
“Just be careful…” She gave a warning look and turned to the next table.
Jun looked at her back, still smiling. Appreciating how she looked bathed in the afternoon sun. But then slanted his eyes to Yuki when he took a shot at his drawing again.
“You better not let anyone see that. It’s going to give them nightmares,” he advised, clicking his tongue.
**
Jun handed her the rest of the drawings. She took them and placed them in an envelope. She glanced up at him, he was looking around the empty classroom; the baskets have been taken away to the kitchen. He looked back to her.
“Let’s have dinner.”
Mao looked up. It was time for them to talk. “Okay, I’ll just drop these off at the faculty.”
**
Pi straightened up when he saw her step out with Matsumoto. They had their cars ready but they weren’t needed. He gave a slight frown. They were taking his car to have dinner. The rest of them can go back.
Pi watched as Mao disappeared inside with Matsumoto sliding in after her. The door closed. The car making its way to the gate. His eyes followed it, still unclear on where he stood in this. Something clutched at him, threatening to break free.
Maybe the kid should reconsider… Maybe he should still be threatened by Matsumoto…
**
“Thank you.”
Jun handed back the menu to their waitress and looked over to Mao. She was taking a sip of the merlot she loved; he’d asked the wine bar to prepare it in advance for them. He’d been anticipating this talk of theirs. It’s been long overdue. Having thought much about where they should go exactly; this wine bar they frequent came to mind first. It was one of her favourite places. He thought it could help dispel some of the nervousness that would surely come for her, for them. And maybe the alcohol can help in some way. He watched as she instantly tossed down the rest of her drink. But he still had some qualms about that…
“It would be better if you have something to eat first,” Jun suggested mildly, indicating to the appetizers in front of them.
Mao wiped the wine off the side of her lips with a thumb. She shook her head. “It’s okay.”
“You haven’t eaten the whole afternoon,” he offered again and reached over to put some on her plate.
His tenderness was more unbearable for her than usual. He doesn’t have to do this anymore.
“Jun, are you happy?”
He paused in the act of putting the scallops onto her plate. She was looking at him earnestly, wanting to hear his answer. Somehow she has one on her mind.
“Yes.” He leaned back on his chair once more, wondering where this was leading.
The sadness slashed across her face. “You’re lying.”
“I know what I’m saying, Mao.”
“Do you? I don’t believe that. You can’t believe that. You have to stop lying to yourself…” She bit her lip. “You can’t be happy. Not like this. Not with me…”
His eyes narrowed slightly. The fear winning its battle within him. He clenched his jaw.
“What are you saying?”
She hesitated at the dark look clouding his eyes. But she had to get this out. He had to understand. He needed to finally admit it. They both have to stop hurting each other. They both needed to save each other now…
“Jun… I’m tired… Just so tired… We’ve both have enough… I know you’ve thought about giving up too, right… You must have…”
Jun looked away for a moment and that said it all. The hurt briefly gripped her heart. It was inevitable… She knew that… But seeing it for herself… She had always thought they would last… Always… So facing the blunt reality, it will never be easy…
But… He’s suffered enough… They both have…
“What happened at the lake made me realize that we’ve been so foolish… Letting the past consume the rest of our lives… There’s still so much to live for-“
“Is there?”
Mao’s eyes snapped to him. He was watching the candle flickering in its glass case.
“I don’t want to be tied to the past anymore, Jun… I want to forget… Just forget everything… Just move forward… It’s alright-“ She took in a shuddering breath, blinking back the tears. “It’s alright if I don’t know what really happened to Dad… It’s alright if I don’t get my answers… I know it will never bring him back…”
“You may have your reasons to never let me know… I understand now… And it’s made us hurt each other in ways deeper than we can imagine… So I don’t want to do that to us anymore… I don’t want to always feel trapped, to pretend I don’t give a damn everytime I purposely want to cause you pain…” She wiped away the tear that rolled down her cheek. She looked up, trying to stop another onslaught of tears. “You’re always going to be a part of me… You’ve always been a part of me… And I don’t want to hurt you anymore… I don’t want to see you like this... No matter how much I thought I hated you… I want to see you happy…”
“Then why are you doing this?” He asked, the anguish in his voice.
“The hurt we’ve caused each other, Jun… It’s just too much… We can’t come back from that… How can we…? After all the things I’ve done… After every hurt I inflicted… I’m not the one to give you that happiness… I can’t be the one… Are you telling me that everytime you look at me now you won’t be reminded of the things I’ve done to you? Because they’re always going to be there… For both of us… You can’t pretend anymore… You don’t have to pretend anymore…”
“I’m not asking to leave, Jun… But I’m telling you, whether or not I’m by your side, things will never be the same for us… I know now that I have to live with that… We both do… If we do, we’ll be able to find the-“
“So is this some kind of ‘let’s just be friends’ speech?”
She knew he wasn’t trying to understand any of this right now. “If you want to put it that way, then yes. I am telling it to you straight because I’ve had enough of all this pretending. I care about you, Jun. And, God help me, I will always care about you. I can’t deny that no matter how hard I want it to be different. But you should know that that’s all it’s ever going to be between us now-“
“We can never be just friends, Mao. You know that.” He was trying hard to stay calm.
‘That’s just what you think-“
“It’s not what I think. It’s what I know. And do you really think I’m ever going to be happy with someone else?”
Mao stifled a frustrated cry. No. It didn’t feel like she’d be happy with anyone else either… But they don’t know that… Things between them are just beyond anything they could ever save now… All they can do right now is hope that the wounds will heal and they can move on…
“You-“
She stopped when the waitress opened the door to their room, carrying their orders. The door closed behind her moments later. The tension in the room was at its breaking point.
“You’re saying that you believe my father and I had nothing to do with Uncle Toshiro’s death, right?” Jun started.
It took everything in her to admit that. She’s had that buried deep within her… To admit she had allowed the hatred and hurt she felt blind her from everything else. From the people that she trusted… The people that she loved most… And the shame she felt… It was beyond excruciating…
“Yes, I-“
“Then that’s the important thing, isn’t it? It’s okay-“
“No, it isn’t! What I’ve put all of us through, what I’ve put you through-“
“You lost Uncle Toshiro, Mao... We understand that. We don’t-“
“I can’t do this, Jun! I can’t ever get pass that… I’ve made us all miserable. I don’t deserve-“
“Don’t say that. You can’t let the guilt get between us! Mao… If you just come back, we can get past this together and-“
“Haven’t you been listening? I know it’s never going to be the same again. So I have to let this go… I have let it go-“
“No, you haven’t.” Mao tried to hide it from her eyes. Jun went on. “You talk about not wanting to be tied to the past… Then what is this? You’re just running away again.”
“Do you think it’s easy for me to admit all of these? To finally face the fact that there’s nothing we can really do?”
Why hold on to something that’s never ever going to be a reality… She hasn’t let it go… But she has to… She’s learning… Slowly… Because they can never go back… It’s the one thing that’s not going to change… So why hold onto it anymore… It’s what’s hurting her more… She knew she still had that hope… So everything in her should just go… Everything… She can get there…
“We haven’t even tried. You haven’t even really tried…” Panic was clawing at him now. “I held onto the hope that the fact you’ve softened at me could be a sign. A sign that we can finally have a fresh start. That you’re willing to try… To work it out… Because I still see it in you, Mao… Even right now…”
But her words cut through him so deep, he didn’t know what to do… Crashing into this reality left him feeling so lost… He had been fooling himself all this time, hasn’t he? It looks like he can’t do anything to stop her now… To change her mind…
“I have given it a lot of thought…” Her voice shook a little. “I know you can’t seem to accept all of this right now… But eventually you have to… You will… Because you know it’s the only thing left for us… We can still save ourselves, Jun… Even if it doesn’t seem that way right now…”
She picked up her purse and slowly stood up, feeling shaken. She couldn’t read Jun’s expression right now. And she knows that there was no use talking anymore… He wasn’t willing to let the words sink in yet… He needs to give it a lot of thought before they can continue this… When he’s ready…
She slowly walked towards the door. Reaching Jun’s side, his question stopped her.
“Do you still love me?”
She closed her eyes, the tormented expression twisting her face, the lump in her throat growing. She didn’t want him asking her that anymore… She knew how much it takes to ask a person that… How vulnerable one lets himself be… And after all she’s said…
“That’s not the point-“
“Answer me.”
Her eyes went to him. He was staring at her empty seat. She couldn’t see his eyes. What he could be thinking…
She drew in a shaky breath and bit her lip. “I care about you, but that’s all I-“
“Answer me with the truth.” His chair moved noisily across the floor and he stood up, facing her.
She was finding it hard to breathe, her whole being trembling. What use are her words when she knows he won’t listen…? She looked up at him. His eyes were darker right now as he waited for her. His gaze boring into her.
“I have told you the truth. You just aren’t willing to listen,” she said, keeping her voice firm. “Whatever I say, you won’t believe it.”
“That’s true. So answer me through this.”
She had no time to react when Jun’s hand grabbed her by the nape and pulled her to him. His lips crashing hard on hers. She dropped her purse as she struggled with him pushing at his chest. She tried to pull away but Jun had her trapped, unable to move her head as his lips ravaged hers. She felt his other hand go around her waist and pull her to his length. His whole body had gone rigid. She tried to yell but it was no use.
Jun covered her mouth with his, kissing her hungrily. His lips sliding roughly over hers, sucking on them. His tongue urged her to open for him, to let him in and fully taste her. Mao’s strength was seeping away; the sensation pulling her in. The feel of Jun, the heat coming from him… It was not something she could fight after going through all those emotions… She didn’t want to pretend anymore… Jun was still urging for her to surrender to him, his hand now running up and down her side. She could feel his heart racing… She slowly closed her eyes, made one last whimper and gave in…
Jun gave a moan as she returned his kisses. Her passion equal to his. She pressed herself to him, her arms circled around his neck, her fingers lost in his hair. How long has it been… How long since she melted in his arms this way…? He’s had a lot of women but nothing can compare to the way she felt... the softness of her lips… the way she fit perfectly with his body…
He only ever wanted her…
He almost lost it when she opened her mouth and took his tongue with her. He moaned, plunging in and out as if conveying to her what he wanted right now, clasping her tighter to his hips. And she welcomed it, moving with him, making those little noises. His other hand was sliding up and down her thigh; the feel of her skin burning in his. His ears pounded as Mao arched her body against him. His body trembled when she bit his upper lip.
He dragged his mind back and he reluctantly pulled away, taking her lower lip with him. She was still pressed against him, her mind slowly waking up from the exhilaration as they gazed at each other, breathless. She was looking flushed, her lips raw and he reined in the flood of desire going through him again.
“Now tell me you don’t want this…” His voice rough with emotion.
She was now realizing what just happened… The sight of his dishevelled hair, the sight of his red lips… What she allowed herself to do… She lost control… Everything she said… Everything she wanted him to understand just flew out the window… She just wanted him… Every bit of him…
She pulled away immediately. Straightening up her dress and raking her hands through her hair. Not willing to look at him. She could feel his gaze on her. She started for the door, avoiding him. A trembling hand shooting up to her lips as she made her way out.
Jun stood there, his blood still rushing. His lips still feeling hers on it. He slowly slid down his seat, closing his eyes as he thought about what he had done. He buried his head in his hands, waiting for the image of her to disappear from his mind.
But that was impossible…
It had always been impossible…
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